So Far So Good

Let's catch up. Radation is done and it was NOT fun. They literally burn you from the inside out. I have discolored skin on my whole "left" side if you get my drift. They first few times were cake and I assumed that was all it would be. Nope. You get basically an inside out sun burn. My skin peeled off in huge chunks under my arm. I am improving which is a blessing. I was finished on January 14th. They were super cute and gave me a "Certificate" and of course I got to ring another bell. I am going back for my first follow up on February 16th. The day after my Birthday. I am sure it will all be fine. It's kind of weird but I just "Feel" that I will be O.K.
Last weekend I took a much needed break and went down to St. George for a few days. Super fun. I haven't been down since about August. They weather was superb and I felt great the whole time. I am still having some issues with my muscles in my legs and hip problems but they seem to be getting better slowly. I lost all the weight from the Chemo which I am very excited about. I am doing a "Biggest Loser" at work and hoping to win some money when I lose about 25 lbs. We are planning a super fun 21 Birthday in Vegas for Jessica so it would be fun to be "Cute" and Wealthy. hahahahaha
Still debating on the "Re-Construction". Don't know if I really need it or just "Want" it. I guess the biggest thing is the recovery period. It just seems like I am just getting "Well" and then I have to start all over. I guess I will make an appt with the Surgeon and just see what he suggests. I like that they take the Belly fat and "Move it up" rather than use Silicone or any other "Fake" stuff. Plus I get a tummy tuck out of the bargain. Yay me.
My Hair is growing back and my eyelashes are back in, that's a big plus. Only bad thing is the leg and underarm hair came back too. Back to shaving I guess. Well at least on the right side. I guess from now on I shouldn't get any hair in my left "Pit" and no sweat either. Coolness. Planning my new tattoo in May. I am doing the Breast Cancer Butterfly on my ankle with pink ribbons on my feet. I think it will look amazing.
Well, that's it for now. Peace out kidlets.

Long Road

I have been a bit lax with not much to say but the same ole thing. Well I started my Radiation therapy on Thursday. It's a bit weird. You don't feel anything. It's like laying on a bed and getting an X-Ray. So far I haven't felt any different. Small twingy pains but they don't last. I hope that is a good sign. I have what my Dr. is calling Lithargia. Basically that means that my muscles have no strength whatsoever. My body works so hard just to do anything. I feel like I am getting a bit better but then when I went to the Radiation Oncologist he said that the Radiation will end up "Prolonging" how I feel now. I guess I won't be surprised if I don't get better before February. They gave me a few stretching exercises I can do to help with the Muscle weakness. It does seem to help but I still get tired really easily. I am going to do my best to enjoy my Christmas. I have 20 days so even if I have to do a little each day I will get it done. Most of the shopping is done and Adam and Austin are going to help with the Tree. It will all work out. I am getting a bit of "Peach fuzz" hair. It's kind of funny. I have a few long curly hairs around the sides of my face. Very odd. Too bad the top of my scalp doesn't grow like that. Still not Leg hairs (I am fine with that). One positive not of the Radiation, I won't have any underarm hair. It kills them off and they usually don't grow back. I guess I am going to save tons on Razors and Shampoo in the next few months. hahahaha.

Dreams

I wanted to write down some of my delirium dreams...... They are kind of funny.

The first time I was actually in one of my treatments and they gave me Benadryl to "Knock me out". I was dreaming that I was at work at the clinic and everyone kept throwing their paperwork at me. I was yelling and throwing back the papers. I kept saying "Can't you see How tired I am? I can't believe you are making me work during my treatments." I guess I was literally trying to throw papers. My Mom had to hold down my arm and kept asking if I was O.K.

#2. My sisters took me for a "hike" up Zion Canyon. While we were up there I got super tired and so they just left me to find my way back. I was walking in circles with Spiders and Scorpions everywhere. I was crying and so angry that they left me there.

#3. this one is awesome.... I fell asleep on the couch and Jeff came home and told me he brought home Trent and Dena (One of his good friends and his wife) for a BBQ. I started to scream at him that we couldn't have Company. I was too tired and we didn't even have food in the house. But he brought them in anyway and they brought their 2 kids with them. then Jeff and Trent went in the backyard and built a fire and left the kids with me to tend. I woke up so angry from that one.

#4. Again sleeping on the couch (I do that alot). Jessica came home and told me that she got "Suspended" from work. I asked her how you get suspended and she said she didn't know but they made her go home. When I asked why she said it was because Brady ( one of her friends from Work) had slept with some girl 5 times. She even held up her hand to accentuate the 5 times. I thought it was so real but I woke up and no one was home.

I have plenty of others but these ones I thought were the best.

Thanksgiving

I hoped beyond hope to feel better for Thanksgiving but it just wasn't meant to be. We had our Family gathering but I only lasted about an hour before I had to go home. This 4th Treatment is kicking my butt and kicking it good. Hopefully that means it's kicking the Cancers butt too. I am at the point where I have absolutely no energy whatsoever. We went to Wal-Mart for the Midnight sale and I literally thought I would have to lay on the floor while we were waiting in line. It was such a disappointment. I love to go out and "fight the crowds" but it wasn't happening this year. Everyone tells me to "know my limits" but I don't want limits. I just want to be well. On Wednesday I had my little polka dot tattoos put on for my Radiation. I didn't like what the Dr. told me at all. He says that the Radiation won't make me sicker but it will delay me getting well. I do NOT want to feel this way for another 6 weeks. Not that I have any choice. I guess it is good that I started my Christmas shopping already. I don't think I am going to be getting out much. Radiation starts next Thursday and is every weekday @ 1:00.
I am feeling like I am really wearing on people. I don't like to complain all the time but I never feel well either so I can't really do anything I am used to doing. If I go out in the cold I can't catch my breath. If I over exert myself at all (even walking up and down the stairs) my heart starts racing and I have to sit down. I can't even do grocery shopping. I can't carry any weight. It is no fun at all. I guess I should be Thankful that I am still here but I am not even sure if this Poison is working. I thought there would be some magic test but I guess not. I just have to "wait and see" and keep getting more tests done for the next 5 years. I am getting a bit discouraged but I am sure I will kick it into gear soon enough. I am a fighter. I want a good Christmas for me and my Family and I am determined to do whatever I have to do to make it happen. Even if I have to sit down every 5 minutes. I will shop, I will decorate, I will bake cookies, I will NOT give in to this mess. Thanks for listening. Peace out.

Oh Joy

So looking Back I wrote about how it "wasn't so bad" on Tuesday. Yeah well that didn't last my friends. Last night the Back Spasms and Chest Pain started. At least this time I wasn't freaked about the Chest pain. The first time I thought I was having a Heart attack.
It honestly feels that way. The pain radiates from my chest all the way down my back. The Doctor checked me out though and it is just one of the side effects. I am supposed to deep breath and try to relax through it. Easier said than done. I am working on it though. I am not liking that my energy level is next to nothing but alas there is nothing I can do about that either right now. I just have to deal with what's here and what's to come. I know that I will get better, I have before. I am really looking forward to being well for Thanksgiving and after that, being well for my Birthday. The BIG 50!. Someone better be planning me one Big party. haha. Who am I kidding? I am such a control freak I am sure that I will plan my own. I am getting some hair back. A little at a time. It is totally blonde. Kinda funny but they say it comes back different so we will see what I end up with.
So between Chemo Brain and Blone Hair...............Do I become a "Dumb Blonde".

Staying on top

Tuesday and I am doing a bit better. Started in on the Loratab last night when the legs and hips started hurting. Started on the Anti-Nausea this morning when the stomache started twirling. The Pills don't get rid of all of it but they sure take the edge off. I actually did some dishes today and mopped the floor. Doesn't sound like much but at least I got off the couch for a minute. My Dad's only living Sibling died last Saturday, Shirlee Dennis. We will be going to her funeral tomorrow. I am hoping if I am not well I can at least fake it for a couple of hours. I have gotten pretty good at making people believe I am fine. My Mother lectured me last night about it but I told her that she wouldn't want the "Gory" details. She says she does. I don't see that it helps alot to give everyone my grief. I have to have it but I don't have to "give" it. I know I know, everyone thinks I should share and then people could "help". Truth be told there is nothing anyone can do to help. Time will heal me and I just have to wait it out. I am soooooo looking forward to Thanksgiving with my Family. That's all I want right now. If I have to be sick everyday until then I will take it. We are having alot of people over to my Mom's and I am very excited. I am hoping for a little Black Friday shopping too. Just a bit of Normalcy in this crazy thing that is my life right now.

Holy Hannah

Nuf said. haha. Well let's see I have basically slept 40 of the last 48 hours. Maybe not quite but it seems that way. I haven't taken any pills today because I am trying to stay awake for a bit. I am thinking it's not going to last. My legs and feet are really starting to hurt and it's only a matter of time before it goes into my back. I will hold out as long as I can. I want to spend some time with my daughter. She just got back from St. George for the weekend. I don't mind sleeping so much when No one is home but I like to feel "part of the living" when everyone is here. Still can't taste much but this time around my appetite is ferocious. I seem to be hungry non-stop. Of course nothing sounds or tastes good so I once again am just filling up the empty cavity that is my belly. Jeff has been so good about going to get me whatever I am in the mood for. Today it was Wendy's. Chicken sandwhich and baked potato. I am supposed to be drinking Gatorade for my Electrolytes but I really can't stand it, so it's been water and Fruit punch. Off for now. Wish me luck.