Sleepless Nights.

Oh my how fun. Finally went to bed @ 12:30 and by 4 in the morning I had "Oldies" stuck in my head. "I got Chills there multiplying" (I had chills running down one leg).
"Oh what a night, Late September back in '63 (2010)" and best one yet. "I couldn't get to sleep at all last night duh duh duh dun." Yeah it's going to be a great day when it starts that way. Crazy. I guess I am more worried about today than I thought. They say it's easier because you know what to expect. My philosophy is I am better off NOT knowing what to expect. It scares me to think I get to go through all this over and over and over. Oh well, It's for the greater good as they say. I am worried about getting the "Chemo" brain and getting forgetful (very worried). I am normally very much in control of my environment and what is going on and lately I have had to write myself notes about "Everything". I have notes on bills to pay, drs appts, pills to take, what to buy at the store. It's kinda pathetic. I am constantly trying to make sure I "remember" things so my brain doesn't ever shut off. Oh and FYI if you get ramblings on here or repetitiveness just go with it and you can even snicker at me about for it. I just hope I don't forget to put on my "Hair". hahahha. That would be hilarious.

Last day of the "Feel Goods"

So my last day of the "feel goods" and then I get my butt kicked tomorrow again. I had an awesome "last day". haha. Went to lunch with friends from work, Worked "all day" yay me, Went to Joy Luck for dinner with another friend, got major heartburn from the Hot mustard ( my bad I know better ), got my bills paid for the week, got my bathroom cleaned and my laundry 1/2 done. How's that for an eventful day? I am so ready for bed. Bring it on treatment I am ready for you this time.  I am a bit worried, I have heard that the 2nd treatment is worse than the first. I hope not. But I am prepared. I have all my pills and I know how to use them. And use them I will. One to sleep, one for Nausea, one for pain, one for muscle aches and Regular old Tylenol for the Teeth pain. I am pretty sure nothing can be worse than going bald and Back spasms. At least I can't imagine much worse. Well maybe laying on the bathroom floor and puking up my guts. That might be worse. Lucky for me I haven't had that at all. Some benefit I suppose. I am so used to not having my hair and it actually feels pretty darn good. I wear the wig to work and come home and OFF it goes. Bandana time. Weird how my worst fear didn't kill me at all. (That would be losing my Hair) It's not so bad and I know it will grow back. Thanks ever so much for the thoughts, prayers and general well wishes. It means alot to me and it really helps me stay positive. I will keep you posted.  Peace out.

Tuesday Countdown begins

I missed yesterday. It was a 10 hour Crazy day at work. I came home, at dinner and crashed. But FYI the Wig went over well. I got so many compliments on my "hair cut". It almost made me feel like I was lying. In some weird way. I just said Thanks. Then one lady actually asked me "Who cuts my Hair?" I said "Great Clips". haha. I don't even know why it just came out of my mouth. My friends and I laughed about it the rest of the day. Another girl said "Oh I wish I could have your Hair". So I told her she can have it when I am done with it. hahaha. She didn't get the joke. I loved it.
Today was another busy day (At least in the morning). I made it through the whole day. Of course I get to feel good for 2 more days. Well Actually 1 1/2 days. I am starting to get nervous. They say the treatments get worse each time. I am not sure it could get much worse from the first time without killing me. I guess we will see. At least this time I know what to expect, I have the knowledge and the MEDICATION to get through anything. I just hope I don't get the Back Spasms. I am pretty sure that was the worst part. Not that any of it was fun.
I am getting very comfortable with my "Bald" head and my Bandana. At least I got rid of alot of the pin prickly head pain. Still have a bit towards my forehead but that may be because of the wig. Well off to bed. Talk to you again tomorrow.

Hair today gone to Maui.

Well I really didn't go to Maui. I finally got up my courage with a little help form Ms. Jessica. About 5:30 tonight "we" cut it all off. First with scissors then with the clippers. A few tears and lots of laughs later what was left of my hair was all over the bathroom floor. Oh and down the back of my shirt. haha. Then it was shower time. You know you really don't need much shampoo when you don't have hair. Tomorrow will be the big test. It will be my first day at work with my "Wig". Wish me luck. I hope it passes.

AAGGGGHHHH!

Just saying. I just went in to wash my hair. I am not sure if it would have mattered if I did or not but I guess it's time to shave my head. I think it would be easier to make a conscious choice than every day to pull out clumps and handfuls. Man I have some thick hair. I have lost so much and my hair still looks the same. It's much thinner but I don't have the "typical" bald spots. It hurts alot when it is coming out though so why torture myself. I wonder if Jessica has the "Guts" to shave it for me? She says she does but we will see. And my little Deb went to Idaho. Bad timing Deb. haha. Jk. My Mom said I should just go to Great Clips or something. Yeah right, like that wouldn't embarass me down to the core. Maybe I will be superly brave and do it myself. Sounds like something I would do.

Super Saturday= Exhaustion

Wow. I am so tired right about now. I had a great time (except for the heat) and more importantly Austin had a great time. I am debating letting my sister shave my head tonight. Big decision. But on the other hand let me explain a little about "losing" your hair. It doesn't just drop out like you would think and leave you bald. It comes out in chunks and actually hurts. It feels like someone has pulled on your hair, which in turns gives (me personally) and humongous headache. I am also really tired of wearing hats already. I wear them so I don't "drop" hair everywhere I go but they my head hurts even more. It's a lose lose situation. I think I may just go ahead and shave it so it cutes hurting. Some people lose theirs all at once evidently mine is going to take a while. It's been almost 3 days already and it just keeps coming out. Either way it will be wig day on Monday. I hope I can pull it off. I do have a super cute wig and I think it will look pretty good. At least this happened over a weekend. My next treatment is Thursday so I am sure either way all the hair would be gone after that one. Still amazed I am NOT freaking out. Good Night I am off to bed.

Super Saturday

Today I "Feel" like a normal person. I might not look like one but I do feel like it. haha. I slept really well. Still not a full 8 hours. Maybe some day I will catch up on all this missed sleep. I dropped a ton of hair yesterday but the funny thing is you can't really tell too much. I have a super cute hat (betty boop of course) and the hair on the back of my head is still all there so it just looks like I like hats. I have my little buddy today which always cheers me up. Last time I had him over was last Friday and I was still a bit on the down low. Today is a good day and we are going up to Heber to watch his Dad do a "run in the Mud". It sounds like fun. I choose to enjoy every day that I feel good. I am not Naive and I know from experience there will be some BAD ones but why not have fun on the good ones right?!
My sister came up yesterday and I met her new Boyfriend today. He is a good guy and they are cute together. But anyway, she had a surprise for me that I thought was super cool. She got a Tattoo on her foot to show her support. It has 2 hearts and the BCancer ribbon and on the Red ribbon she had the word sisters put in. It is really cool. Jessica got one too with the Breast Cancer butterfly. I will be getting mine as soon as the Chemo is over and the risk of infection is minimized. I think my Dr. would kill me if I let someone touch me with needles and ink right about now. I can't wait though, both of their Tatts are beautiful. But the best part is they were thinking of me when they got them.
Off to Play. Talk to you soon.

Day 14

And so it begins. I thought I was going to get lucky but no such luck. I have been dropping so much hair today. Funny thing is I thought I would really freak out when it was "Time" but so far I am taking it very well. I guess I am finally used to the idea and if you want to save your life a bit of "Hair" is a small price to pay. At least I know it will grow back. As I sit here I keep dropping more and more. It's kind of gross if you think about it but at least I am in my own house and I can Vacuum it up. haha. Better than the nightmare I had where it all fell out while I was at my desk at work. That would not have been Pretty. Someone told me today that they thought I would be "Cute" with no hair. Well I guess we will never know. I do not believe anyone will see me without hair except maybe my own self in a mirror. But I am not even sure about that.
I decided once again today that as much as possible I need to be at work. I have patients that love me and super great friends and co-workers. I am very lucky.

Day 13

Oh my goodness. Today I am just beat. Last night I crashed @10:30 pm but my "belly" woke me up @ 2am. One thing about these drugs is they mess up your system pretty good. You get to go 2 or 3 days and NOT be able to "go" at all and then it hits. No fun. I am kind of getting worried today. I talked to a lady last night about what it feels like when your hair first starts to fall out and my head is feeling like that today. It feels like you have had your hair into a pony tail too long and too tight. And as you know I do not have long hair and it's definitely not going into a pony tail. Well I can't stop it so I guess I will just be prepared. If you possibly can. I am sure it's going to be very emotional when I say goodbye to my hair but like an old friend it will come back. And from what I hear it will be fuller, darker and maybe even curly. Wouldn't that be an adventure. haha. I always wanted curly hair. (without the 80's Perm that is).
People say that they are so happy that I am health enough to work a bit. But the funny thing is I really Love my job. I have so many "Favorite" patients and great co-workers so I feel "Lucky" that I can be there. They all make me feel missed and loved. It is to me a very "Healthy" place to be. It keeps me busy and upbeat. Of course today I only made it until 1 but that is still 6 hours in my 1/2 full world.

Feeling Sorry

I know, I know. I will have good days, I will have bad days. Today is just one of those days. I am totally feeling sorry for myself. Not really sure why but I can't seem to shake it. I had a pretty good day today. I worked a full 10 hours and aside from sore feet and heart burn I did really well. I have no idea why my feet hurt. I seriously sit in a chair all day long. Maybe lack of movement or circulation. So right now I am sitting in my Comfy chair with my feet up waiting for my dinner to make itself. Don't think it's going to happen. I am feeling good about one thing today. I talked to a few people about my blog and also about a little boy named Dax that is Battling a Brain Tumor. At first I thought I would just battle this quietly and move on but I decided you have to make some noise. You have to make people aware that this disease attacks Moms, Grandmas, Families, Friends and especially little Children. It's not fair but we can all work together to fight this fight. Dax' family is doing a bunch of fundraisers to help with his medical bills. I realized just how fortunate I am because I have really good Insurance and my out of Pocket was only $2,000.00. That is one worry I won't have for right now. Alot of people are not that fortunate. I am doing a very small part to help in a fundraiser for Dax and that gives me a purpose. I can feel good Today about helping. Well off to make my dinner. Alas, it did not make itself. I am not surprised. haha.

Day 10

Went back to work today (Again). I stayed til 1:00 pm. I might have been able to stay longer but I didn't want to push my luck. I felt pretty good today too. I did get a bit tired and ended up taking a 2 hour nap when I got home. But I still feel pretty good about the whole thing. If I have 1 1/2 good weeks out of 3 I can live with that. As long as I am seeing some good days it out weighs the bad. As my sister says..........One day at a time.
Tomorrow is another day and maybe it will be even better than today. One can only hope. I talked to the Patient Liason today she has been a big help through this whole ordeal. She sends me current info constantly on side effects, treatments, Nutrition and support groups. It's nice to feel like someone is in your corner besides the Docs.

Day 9

I hope I am not Jinxing myself here but " I FEEL GOOD ". I know scary thought but I am happy about it. I almost feel normal. I made myself some breakfast, cleaned the kitchen counters, dusted the T.V. and even washed the living room window. I got sick of looking at the nose prints on the window. (From the dogs of course). I have been drinking Carnation Breakfast Essentials for 2 days in a row and I think the boost in vitamins is helping alot. It might not be but as long as I think so then it is true. haha.
If I could give any advice it would be too make sure and eat healthy and get your vitamins in. At first I went with "If you want it eat it" mentality. Not a good plan. Yes you do have to eat alot to feel better but the wiser the choice the better you will feel. The funny part of the whole ordeal is I actually crave Vegetables. I know weird huh?! Desserts look and sound good but once I eat a couple of bites I don't even want them. This might turn my whole thinking around. I might just get healthy for my Latter years.
Today it is off to the Carmelite Fair. It's the big fund raiser for the Convent. My sister said I should get them to say a prayer for me while I am there. Maybe I will buy some blessed beads or something. Any little bit helps. And I certainly like having God in my corner.
I will keep you posted on how the rest of the day goes.
Peace out for now.

Day 8

I have made it through day 8. Woo Hoo. Big accomplishment. I talked to my Mom and all 3 of my sisters today. That's always good to boost your Mood. So I have decided after talking with my Mom that I am going to reward myself for good days. I am going to get a Chart and some bright happy stars. On the days when I am upbeat and feel good I will give myself a Star. I am hoping after a while of looking at the Chart I will have more Star spots than empty spots. This is good motivation for me. Jeff and I went for a "short" walk today. All the way around the block. It felt good to be up and moving. I even unloaded the dishwasher. Woo. It's a great day in my book. Started slow but seems to be ending on an upswing. I am going to try the Protein drinks every morning. Not sure if they are helping but it can't hurt
So, Deanna (my oldest sister) is my new Advice giver. She just says it like it is and puts it right out there for you. Funny thing is what she says makes total sense. We were talking tonight and she said I need to just worry about "Me" right now. Anyone that know me well knows how hard that is but I think she is right. I honestly don't have anything else to give anyone. Not that I don't love you all and in the future I would give you a "Kidney" haha. (If they are still functioning) if you need one but for the next few months it's all about me and my care. Thanks for listening.

Saturday

I am quickly deciding that Ativan is not a medication that is going to work for me. It is supposed to help me sleep but Not so much. I took it last night and slept (with nightmares) until 7am. This is the second time so I guess it wasn't a fluke. There is an herbal remedy the Dr. told me about so I am going to try that next. These drugs just stay in my body way too long and make me feel too drugged out. I slept for over 7 hours off and on today. Not good because tonight I won't sleep at all again. Oh well. I am so hoping that at some point I start to at least feel a bit better. So far I am barely functioning. I have tried the high protein thing and even the Protein drinks. Anybody out there have any other suggestions? I am running out of ideas.

1st week.

I just realized that I officially marked my 1st week of treatment. What no surprise party? Where are my friends? hahahaha. I had a good 4 hours today. Every little bit it worth celebrating. I am hoping for 5 tomorrow. Maybe a nap in between. Thanks to the Loratab the Back spasms have calmed down to a dull purr. Let's just hope the demons don't wake me up tonight and make me regret this post. haha. I just took the Ativan so I am hoping for a full nights sleep. I would be happy with 8 hours. Of course the latest thing going on now are the Night Sweats. Or should I say Night Swimming. I wake up feeling like I got into a swimming pool fully clothed and then jumped right into bed.
I am trying a different tactic tonight...........Cool down bath right before bed and baby powder all over to "soak up the sweat". hahaha. We will see how it goes.

Have a good Night Everyone. Chat again tomorrow.

God!

So I have been asked a couple of questions lately that have given me some food for thought. The first one is Do I still believe in God? The answer..... Of course I do. God is not just with you during the good times he is with you at all times. I had an interesting experience last night and it might sound hokey to some of you but it was my experience and I am sharing. I woke up @ 2 am and my back once again decided to start spasming. I was worried I was in for it. I was super tired and then hurting on top of that. Well anyway, I got pro active and took medication right away. 2 Loratabs and 1 Ibuprofen 800. Of course then I had to sit and wait for them to work. While I was sitting I decided I would say a prayer and ask for help. Not so much for the pain to be taken away but just that I might be able to deal with it for a bit. I also apologized for only praying "lately" when I needed help. Well within 15 minutes I felt such a calm come over me and I was able to take some deep breaths and relax a bit. I am sure that was an answer to my prayer.

The next question.......... which is kind of funny to me is.............Why would this happen to "YOU"? You are such a good person. Well the answer to this one is "Why not me?" Cancer doesn't care if you are Cute, Funny, Nice, Mean, Old, Young or the biggest beast on the planet. It's totally non-discriminatory. I can accept that. I can even go a bit further andy say "Why not me?" Of all people maybe I am a good candidate. I have a super strong support system. I have a great family and wonderful friends. I have been blessed with 2 amazing children and 1 amazing Grandchild (so far). I am still hoping for more. haha. Oh and by the way I have a great sense of humor that is going to get me through this. I do honestly know that I can beat this. Is it going to be hard? YES! but I will fight with everything I have.

Thanks again for all your support, prayers and LOVE. I can use all the help I can get.

Positive Note.

I had my first follow-up appt today. Evidently everything I am experiencing is quite normal. OH GREAT! haha. It doesn't last forever so I can do this thing. I got some Loratabs for my back. I didn't want another pill but it helps to be able to move your body. My back spasms made my blood pressure and heart rate go up by 10 points each. On the plus side I lost  1 1/2 lbs and was pretty much given Carte Blanche to eat whatever I want. O.K. well I am exaggerating on the last part but once in a while you have to cheat a bit. I have been very lucky in the fact that "Junk" food is not my friend right now. That is a plus simply because I am taking Steroids that make me want to eat constantly. At least I am eating semi-healthy. The Steroids are also putting me through Menopause, oh joy, I needed Hot flashes on top of all of this other nonsense. I took some Ibuprofen 800 and it saved me from shooting myself in the foot. I have never experienced any kind of back pain like that in my life. It was worse than giving birth to an 8 lb baby with no Epidural (and I am not kidding). I now know the decibel that my "deaf" cat can hear. I was screaming at one point and she actually looked at me like I was nuts. I am guessing I was a bit loud. Much better tonight. I feel like I might be oon the upswing. Let's Hope anyway.

Holy Hannah.

Talk about Pain. I have NEVER felt something this excruciating in my life. I am having horrible muscle spasms in my lower back and into my chest. Good Lord. I am NOT being strong today. It hurts and I don't care who knows it. I called the Drs office and they are out until 1:30. The answering service asked me to call back. For Real???? !!! I am dying here. I guess she couldn't tell by me swearing and screaming into the phone. Maybe she just thinks I am a Psycho path. I am fine with that too. Standing, sitting, laying Nothing helps.

Back to work-Fail.

Well I tried and I did feel pretty good for a while. Too much too soon? Maybe and Probably. I made it until about 2:30 and knew I was defeated. Lovely Rita came up and said "Go Home" Heidi will cover you. I was actually very relieved. It seemed easier for someone else to make the decision. I went home and straight to bed for 3 hours. I was hurting pretty much every part of my body. My teeth felt like I clenched them for days and my Head was pretty much near explosion. I broke down and called Utah Cancer after hours hot line. Dr. Samuelson called me back within minutes and he was super comforting. Alas, All I can take is Tylenol but it just feels good to know someone is listening to your fears. Oatmeal and Toast w/Jelly for dinner was very satisfying. Took a Hot bath and laid in the water feeling like a warm blanket was covering me. I could have stayed there for days. Of course then the water would get cold. Try again another day. I have to know my limits but I will not let this "MESS" win. I want at least some of my life back.

Day 6

Going back to work today. Why am I so nervous? Fear of the unknown? I don't know. I like my job and miss all my friends but I am still afraid. Not quite sure how my body is going to act I guess. I decided to do a 1/2 day. Not quite up to the 10 hours yet. Feeling O.K. so far today. Other than my aching jaw, my aching legs and my aching everything else. haha. Took a bath last night and fell into my bed at 9:00. Which was great until I woke up at 3:00 in the morning and tossed and turned the rest of the night. Should have taken the "Happy" pill. Maybe tonight. I am sure I will be tired from working. I woke up first thing this morning already thinking about food. Who am I kidding? I think I dreamt of food all night. Dr. Beck says that eating is the one thing that makes people feel good during this treatmtent. I hoped it wasn't so because I am going to get super fat. On the plus side, everyone that knows me well knows I am a "Junkie" (as in junk food), absolutely no snacks sound good to me at all right now. So I am eating alot but it is "good" for you food so far. My taste buds are gone, my mouth is always dry with a white film in it. I know it sounds gross but it is what it is. Butter rum lifesavers and Jr. Mints are my new best friends. I have been drinking so much water that I swear I could float down river somewhere. Oh wait, maybe that's all the food that is turning me into a flotation device. Oh my I am so funny. Well off for now, Breakfast, shower and get ready for Work. Wish me luck.

Day 5 1/2

Feeling a bit better this afternoon. My Mom and Dad came by to visit. I am thinking I need to get back to work tomorrow and get in with the "Living" again. Too much alone time is not a good thing, emotionally or physically. We are creatures of habit and I am not one to live in isolation. I love activity around me and people laughing and chatting can only lift my spirits.

Today may just be a good day to try to eat some Brocolli. I have absolutely no taste left at least nothing tastes good. Sweet things taste bitter and even water tastes bland. Oh wait water is bland. haha. I still got it. I thought to myself that since I can't taste anything I will try all the things I have never liked and maybe gain a liking to them. But who am I kidding I will still be able to see it and I will know I am eating it. Dang this defeats the whole Idea.
Today was a good day for Chemo Brain to kick in. I sat on the floor looking at my scheduled appts and couldn't find the card that says what time my appt is on Thursday. Well the smart side of my brain tells me I can call the office and ask them what time it is. Oh no, the Chemo brain just decides to cry for 20 minutes because I can't remember. Which actually solved nothing because I still don't remember. Gotta love these fun times.

Day 5

Five days count 'em woo Hooo!. I apologize in advance if this blog gets too deep but these are my feelings and they need to come out. Went to bed last night feeling pretty darn good. Got up this morning NOT so much. I don't think there is a part of my body that doesn't ache. Delayed reaction to the shot yesterday? Possibly. My teeth, my jaw all the way to the top of my head. I feel like I already ran the "Survival" Marathon so that means I don't have to run one next year right?! I am a bit worried about my head hurting that is supposed to be the early sign that the end is near for my HAIR. Yes I just said it out loud. I am so scared and I am very much on the verge of tears today. I know that once it's gone I will adjust but just not knowing when it's coming gives the most fear.
Eyebrows are easy they can be drawn on but hopefully the eyelashes don't go to. I hate false eyelashes. haha. There you go a bit of humor thrown in for good measure. I now totally understand why no one can tell you exactly what you are going to go through because they don't. Every person is individual and every medication regimen is designed just for them. I almost wish I could have just had the vommiting and fatigue and skipped all the rest but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's a small price to pay for the rest of my life with my wonderful family and friends. I wouldn't trade this experience for a different result. Because the only other result would mean I wouldn't be around. NOT an OPTION.

Confusion

Too many decisions, don't know what to do. I should get back into the World of the living but I am too tired to try. 10 hour days just seem too long. Or am I afraid to get
back into it and have questions to answer and let my emotions show? Probably a little of both.  I am sure I will get better with time. I was told today that the first treatment is the worse so that one is over and done. I can only get better from here. Getting close to Ativan time and another good night of sleep. I am going to like that little pill.

Shot!

The shot went well. I love, love, love the kindness I get from any and all of the Utah Cancer people. They are gentle and caring. I got my Shot at the Salt Lake Clinic. Barely felt it and amazingly enough I did NOT get the muscle aches. Maybe God decided I got enough of the other side effects so far. haha. I slept most of the day today and feel surprisingly well. I may even try to work a little bit tomorrow. Big maybe but I think it might be good for me to try. When I went to the Clinic today I got a chance to say Hello to a few friends. I really have some amazing friends and co-workers there. My Mom was so impressed with how genuine peoples feeling were for me. That made me feel pretty good too.

Day 4

Well...........It might just be the wonder pill in my box of tricks. I have a drug Ativan that I can take for Nausea at night. Evidently it causes drowsiness which is awesomely perfect for someone that hasn't slept much in days. I slept for 8 hours. I know it doesn't sound like much but it was full sleep. I didn't wake up once during the night. Today is the day for the Neulasta shot. Hopefully I don't get the muscle aches but if I do there's a pill for that. haha. There seems to be a Pill for just about everything possible. Up to this experience I can't say that I ever cared to take a pill for "Anything". I am not a "medication" type person. But I will tell you from my experiences take what the Drs give you they will help you get through all of the ups and downs. And there are alot of them.

My Wise oldest sister once told me (a few weeks ago). If there is a medication that will help you sleep, and just feel better take it! It's stupid to pretend you don't need it. If you didn't need it the Drs wouldn't prescribe it. I think she is right and I am taking her advice. for once. haha.

Note to self

I just got scolded from some really cute ladies form the Ward. I guess they don't like when you don't tell them things. haha. Sorry ladies. You know I love you. I know they like to help and I appreciate it alot. We are now getting meals so Jeff will be saved from cooking for a couple of days at least. And I don't have to eat his cooking. No offense Jeff. Actually Jeff and Jessica have been a huge help. Except that right now I am wishing for Dark Chocolate Mints and no one is getting up to run get them for me. Oh I stand corrected Jessica just came to tell me she is going to get them. The day is saved for now. Don't anyone tell the Cancer Docs that I am eating empty Calories. I have been so good on their strict plan. A little dark chocolate never hurt anyone did it?

So far so good tonight. Let's hope for some sleep. Haven't gotten much of that lately.
Maybe the Ativan will kick in and I will sleep all night.

Up and moving.

So I actually got out of my chair and decided to get "dressed" for the day. Too much sitting around in pajamas and slippers. I needed to feel like a "Real" person for a minute. Instead of a "sickie". It feels pretty good. Maybe if I just ignore my nagging stomache it will just go away. haha. I wish. Not as bad as I thought but not as good as I hoped. I went through a bunch of old pictures this morning and that was fun. It's amazing how fast your kids and grandkids grow up right before your eyes. Was going to try for the Fair but that just seems like too much work for today. Maybe another day. I haven't seen my chicken for more than a few minutes in two weeks. (for those of you who don't know "the chicken") He is my one and only grandson. Five years old and full of fun. He was going to be my "date" for the Fair. Luckily I didn't tell him we were going so I don't feel like I am letting him down.

So a friend of mine told me that her Mom had something that they like to call "Chemo Brain" when she went through her treatment. I asked my Doctor about it and "Yep" you guessed it everyone gets it. Which means I will forget little things and big things. I will forget if I have rambled all of this before and probably ramble it somemore. Lucky for me my little Nurse wrote down exact notes dates and times on the outside of all my prescription bottles. Good thinking Tina. That helps alot. I even bought a planner so that I could keep track of everything too. Lucky for me my brain will return after this is all over. (I hope so at least).

Day 3 contd.

Oops! I goofed. So to continue my story. You are hooked up to IV's and they give you the anti-nausea drug. That takes 20 minutes. My Drugs are called Taxsterie, and Cutoxan. I will be getting these every 3 weeks. The Taxterie takes 30 minutes and the Cutoxan takes 1 hour to administer. It wasn't bad at all. Jeff and Jessica played Uno and laughed and I laughed with them. Jessica won all but one hand. They went to get lunch and I listened to an Ipod and went to sleep for a bit. It was all over so quickly and I was pleasantly surprised.

While I was there I started reading a book call "There's no Place Like HOPE". It is a selection of really good quoteds and motivations for each stage of your treatment. By the way, cute little Tina let me keep it. One of my favorite quotes so far is:::
"FEAR DOES NOT DEFEAT CANCER..... EMPOWERED TREATMENT DEFEATS CANCER".
Don't let fear keep you from living your life.

Day 3

Well I did at least get 6 straight hours of sleep. I guess that is better than the 5 from last night. Day 3 and the last day of the dreaded "Red" pill. I kind of like the color but I don't like how it makes me feel. I was thinking I would explain the Infusion room process. That is where they administer the Chemotherapy drugs. I have an awesome nurse there named Tina. It's dones through Utah Cancer up at SL Regional Medical center. I wasn't sure what to expect and was very nervous. Jessica and Jeff went with me to my "First" time. We were all really surprised it was a very relaxed atmosphere. You get to kick back in a comfy recliner and there is a nice little snack area and comfy chairs for the family. They had games, puzzles, Magazines, and even book to read. The whole process was only 2 1/2 hours.

Sleepy

Another sleepless night. 12:08am and not the least bit tired. The Doctor says it's important to get as much sleep as possible but my body isn't cooperating. Hot bath, chocolate milk, nothing is helping tonight. I am going to have to break down and take the Ativan. Something she gave me for night nausea that is supposed to make you drowsy. I wonder what those side effects will be. haha. This has been an interesting 2 days. 11 weeks and 6 days left, I can make it.

Side Effects

I am not so sure the Anti-Nausea Meds are worth the trouble. I get all the great side effects and I still have nausea. I am sticking to the regimen though. This too shall pass and I want to get well. One of the pills gives me some great hot flashes and I totally look like I have been in a tanning bed for hours. Nice color not too red. It doesn't look too bad. I am getting waited on from the Fam so that is very nice. Only slept 3 hours today instead of the 5 hours I slept yesterday. Maybe I can start sleeping at night. haha. Tonight I am having Steak, Noodles, and green beans for dinner. If it ever gets cooked that is. I am told that's what I am having. Not a big Steak person but they say the protein is good for me so that is what I will eat. I am on a High Calorie, High Protein thing right now for the red cells to build up. Not that I can eat more than a few bites at a time. No Zingers, Spicy foods, Crunchy foods, or any empty calories. Which is probably a good thing. I do get to eat as much frozen yogurt or ice cream that I want. That's a good treat.
I might not lose much weight but at least I will get on a health kick. (whom I kidding) I am sure I will throw a Zinger in there somewhere.
I am so Lucky to have such great family and friends that are a huge support system. It makes me feel so much better and everyone has been so caring. Thanks to all.

Soapbox time. I actually had a "Girl" tell me that my Cancer wasn't too bad because it wasn't a "Golf ball" size tumor. Oh O.K. Well FYI, my Oncologist told me Thursday that a 1cm tumor in the Breast has over 1 BILLION cancer Cells in it. My tumor was 1.7 cm and was infiltrated. (which means it is possibly in my bloodstream or moving down to my Ovary. I am glad this "Person" thinks that that is NOT so bad. Any Cancer is bad, any Cancer is life threatening and Any Cancer changes someone's life Forever. It's O.K. to talk about it and I am getting better at that. But don't belittle someones diagnosis. AND it is not "Just Hair" to someone that is losing theirs. It is part of their identity.
O.K. I feel better now.

Page 2

O.K. now that this is started let's get down to the nitty gritty. I have never had to take so much medication in my life (all at once anyway). I have pills for every day, pills for every night, pills for infection, pills for the day of, the day before and the day after every Chemo treatment. I guess it's good. It's getting rid of what I like to call the "Biting Pac-man" in my body. The tumor is removed but the fear is still there.

My treatments have involved visits to the IMC Breast Care Center, Radiation Oncology and Utah Cancer. I have never felt so informed about anything in my Medical history. The Nurses, Doctors, Staff and my Care coordinator are all amazing. I have been treated like an individual not just a person with a disease. Cancer doesn't have to be a "Scary" thing when you have all the information you need. They are so many "new and improved" treatments out there. But the key is to be proactive in your own care. Get tests when you should or any time you feel the need.

I started this Journey in about February. I was getting unexplained pain in my stomach and spiking high fevers randomly that were lasting for days at a time. I went to several different Doctors and had Cat Scans, MRI's and blood tests. They couldn't come up with any explanations. Months later I happened to find my own lump during a shower. I went in the following Friday for a Mammogram and the rest as they is History.

While visiting the Surgeon I asked about all of the unexplained symptoms and she said "Even though there is no Scientific evidence that this occurs" she has heard that from alot of her patients. So NO. 1 rule of thumb KNOW your own body. If you think something is not right go to Dr. after Dr. until you get an answer. Doctors make mistakes and it is not worth your Life.

jannieslife

Here goes. My first attempt at being a computer geek.

As alot of you may or may not know back in July I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It was a huge shock. The official name for my tumor was Infiltrated ductal Carcinoma. It was a very aggressive tumor and it has been a whirlwind and 1/2 dealing with it.
I had my Surgery on August 11th. Lucky for me it was a Lumpectomy with expanded tissue removed and only 2 lymph nodes. Because of the diagnoses and the aggression of the tumor I am plunged into Chemo therapy and Radiation. I had my first consult with the Oncologist at Utah Cancer on Thursday September 9th and found myself in the infusion room the very next day. Pretty Crazy. So I am now 1 day into Chemo. So far I haven't felt too may effects other than the Allergic Reaction to on of the Medications that causes my face to flush. Hey at least I have some color.

I am choosing to "Live" through this and Live Hard. I want to deal with it with humor and a positive attitude. To me there is no other option. I will have side effects some times bad and worse of all I will lose my hair. This seems to be my biggest fear. I don't like attention drawn to the fact that I am "Sick" and this is the most obvious sign of the illness. People look at you and just "Know".  I am trying to get used to the idea but when the day comes I know I will be crushed. However, as a planner I am prepared. I have a wig I have order eyebrow tattoos from the Cancer site and a few really cute scarves. Always the planner that's me. My Mom and I were at the wig store almost the day of my diagnosis.

There's always a light at the end of the Tunnel.

My Family and Friends have been great supporters. Hopefully this will help me feel better and get the updates out to all that are interested.