Long Road

I have been a bit lax with not much to say but the same ole thing. Well I started my Radiation therapy on Thursday. It's a bit weird. You don't feel anything. It's like laying on a bed and getting an X-Ray. So far I haven't felt any different. Small twingy pains but they don't last. I hope that is a good sign. I have what my Dr. is calling Lithargia. Basically that means that my muscles have no strength whatsoever. My body works so hard just to do anything. I feel like I am getting a bit better but then when I went to the Radiation Oncologist he said that the Radiation will end up "Prolonging" how I feel now. I guess I won't be surprised if I don't get better before February. They gave me a few stretching exercises I can do to help with the Muscle weakness. It does seem to help but I still get tired really easily. I am going to do my best to enjoy my Christmas. I have 20 days so even if I have to do a little each day I will get it done. Most of the shopping is done and Adam and Austin are going to help with the Tree. It will all work out. I am getting a bit of "Peach fuzz" hair. It's kind of funny. I have a few long curly hairs around the sides of my face. Very odd. Too bad the top of my scalp doesn't grow like that. Still not Leg hairs (I am fine with that). One positive not of the Radiation, I won't have any underarm hair. It kills them off and they usually don't grow back. I guess I am going to save tons on Razors and Shampoo in the next few months. hahahaha.

Dreams

I wanted to write down some of my delirium dreams...... They are kind of funny.

The first time I was actually in one of my treatments and they gave me Benadryl to "Knock me out". I was dreaming that I was at work at the clinic and everyone kept throwing their paperwork at me. I was yelling and throwing back the papers. I kept saying "Can't you see How tired I am? I can't believe you are making me work during my treatments." I guess I was literally trying to throw papers. My Mom had to hold down my arm and kept asking if I was O.K.

#2. My sisters took me for a "hike" up Zion Canyon. While we were up there I got super tired and so they just left me to find my way back. I was walking in circles with Spiders and Scorpions everywhere. I was crying and so angry that they left me there.

#3. this one is awesome.... I fell asleep on the couch and Jeff came home and told me he brought home Trent and Dena (One of his good friends and his wife) for a BBQ. I started to scream at him that we couldn't have Company. I was too tired and we didn't even have food in the house. But he brought them in anyway and they brought their 2 kids with them. then Jeff and Trent went in the backyard and built a fire and left the kids with me to tend. I woke up so angry from that one.

#4. Again sleeping on the couch (I do that alot). Jessica came home and told me that she got "Suspended" from work. I asked her how you get suspended and she said she didn't know but they made her go home. When I asked why she said it was because Brady ( one of her friends from Work) had slept with some girl 5 times. She even held up her hand to accentuate the 5 times. I thought it was so real but I woke up and no one was home.

I have plenty of others but these ones I thought were the best.

Thanksgiving

I hoped beyond hope to feel better for Thanksgiving but it just wasn't meant to be. We had our Family gathering but I only lasted about an hour before I had to go home. This 4th Treatment is kicking my butt and kicking it good. Hopefully that means it's kicking the Cancers butt too. I am at the point where I have absolutely no energy whatsoever. We went to Wal-Mart for the Midnight sale and I literally thought I would have to lay on the floor while we were waiting in line. It was such a disappointment. I love to go out and "fight the crowds" but it wasn't happening this year. Everyone tells me to "know my limits" but I don't want limits. I just want to be well. On Wednesday I had my little polka dot tattoos put on for my Radiation. I didn't like what the Dr. told me at all. He says that the Radiation won't make me sicker but it will delay me getting well. I do NOT want to feel this way for another 6 weeks. Not that I have any choice. I guess it is good that I started my Christmas shopping already. I don't think I am going to be getting out much. Radiation starts next Thursday and is every weekday @ 1:00.
I am feeling like I am really wearing on people. I don't like to complain all the time but I never feel well either so I can't really do anything I am used to doing. If I go out in the cold I can't catch my breath. If I over exert myself at all (even walking up and down the stairs) my heart starts racing and I have to sit down. I can't even do grocery shopping. I can't carry any weight. It is no fun at all. I guess I should be Thankful that I am still here but I am not even sure if this Poison is working. I thought there would be some magic test but I guess not. I just have to "wait and see" and keep getting more tests done for the next 5 years. I am getting a bit discouraged but I am sure I will kick it into gear soon enough. I am a fighter. I want a good Christmas for me and my Family and I am determined to do whatever I have to do to make it happen. Even if I have to sit down every 5 minutes. I will shop, I will decorate, I will bake cookies, I will NOT give in to this mess. Thanks for listening. Peace out.

Oh Joy

So looking Back I wrote about how it "wasn't so bad" on Tuesday. Yeah well that didn't last my friends. Last night the Back Spasms and Chest Pain started. At least this time I wasn't freaked about the Chest pain. The first time I thought I was having a Heart attack.
It honestly feels that way. The pain radiates from my chest all the way down my back. The Doctor checked me out though and it is just one of the side effects. I am supposed to deep breath and try to relax through it. Easier said than done. I am working on it though. I am not liking that my energy level is next to nothing but alas there is nothing I can do about that either right now. I just have to deal with what's here and what's to come. I know that I will get better, I have before. I am really looking forward to being well for Thanksgiving and after that, being well for my Birthday. The BIG 50!. Someone better be planning me one Big party. haha. Who am I kidding? I am such a control freak I am sure that I will plan my own. I am getting some hair back. A little at a time. It is totally blonde. Kinda funny but they say it comes back different so we will see what I end up with.
So between Chemo Brain and Blone Hair...............Do I become a "Dumb Blonde".

Staying on top

Tuesday and I am doing a bit better. Started in on the Loratab last night when the legs and hips started hurting. Started on the Anti-Nausea this morning when the stomache started twirling. The Pills don't get rid of all of it but they sure take the edge off. I actually did some dishes today and mopped the floor. Doesn't sound like much but at least I got off the couch for a minute. My Dad's only living Sibling died last Saturday, Shirlee Dennis. We will be going to her funeral tomorrow. I am hoping if I am not well I can at least fake it for a couple of hours. I have gotten pretty good at making people believe I am fine. My Mother lectured me last night about it but I told her that she wouldn't want the "Gory" details. She says she does. I don't see that it helps alot to give everyone my grief. I have to have it but I don't have to "give" it. I know I know, everyone thinks I should share and then people could "help". Truth be told there is nothing anyone can do to help. Time will heal me and I just have to wait it out. I am soooooo looking forward to Thanksgiving with my Family. That's all I want right now. If I have to be sick everyday until then I will take it. We are having alot of people over to my Mom's and I am very excited. I am hoping for a little Black Friday shopping too. Just a bit of Normalcy in this crazy thing that is my life right now.

Holy Hannah

Nuf said. haha. Well let's see I have basically slept 40 of the last 48 hours. Maybe not quite but it seems that way. I haven't taken any pills today because I am trying to stay awake for a bit. I am thinking it's not going to last. My legs and feet are really starting to hurt and it's only a matter of time before it goes into my back. I will hold out as long as I can. I want to spend some time with my daughter. She just got back from St. George for the weekend. I don't mind sleeping so much when No one is home but I like to feel "part of the living" when everyone is here. Still can't taste much but this time around my appetite is ferocious. I seem to be hungry non-stop. Of course nothing sounds or tastes good so I once again am just filling up the empty cavity that is my belly. Jeff has been so good about going to get me whatever I am in the mood for. Today it was Wendy's. Chicken sandwhich and baked potato. I am supposed to be drinking Gatorade for my Electrolytes but I really can't stand it, so it's been water and Fruit punch. Off for now. Wish me luck.

4th time is the "Kicker"

OMG. Fourth treatment is done but it is kicking my butt. I have already been so sick and I feel like I have been kick by a pack of mules. All I want to do is eat but if I eat I get sick. So tired but I can't sleep. Let's hope it passes as quick as it started. I will keep you posted.

D-Day is Done day.

Today was my last day of Chemo. It was so exciting. I think I was on an Adrenaline rush all day. I had a bunch of family there and we had a great time. I was super excited to Ring the Bell and I even did a "Happy" Dance. My sister got it all on video. Even my Dad came. (He doesn't do well with the Medical stuff). But he got right into it and asked alot of questions. I got a bit of bad News...... I have developed Anemia which is making my Heart work harder and causing some shortness of Breath. The Dr. is confident it will pass soon so I am not too worried. She gave me some breathing excercises to help slow down my heart rate. At least it's not another pill. I will be on the 5 year Hormone regiment too which I am not too excited to do. More side effects? Possibly. 5 yrs worth I hope not. But you do what you gotta do.

Bottled up Emotions.

I am having so many mixed emotions this morning. AAGGGHHH!. I am Excited, Nervous, Anxious, Scared, Happy and of course sleep deprived. Darn Steroids mixed with nerves equal no sleep. So today is the Last day of Chemo (Hopefully Forever). Every time I go in for a treatment I worry that there will be some reason that they can't give it to me or that they will say "Oh sorry, not the last one today". I have a huge support group going today. I hope we don't freak anyone out. I have 3 sisters, Mom, Jessica, my niece Jamie and her Hubby Josh (aka Military). They all want to be there when I get to ring the final bell. It honestly seems like it has gone by so fast. Hard to believe it's been 4 months. Of course I still have 6 weeks of Radiation and tests after that but I am not getting ahead of myself. I will have a couple of weeks to recover from this dose before the Radiation Starts. (December 1st) and I don't think anything they can do can be worse than what I have gone through so far. It seems odd to me even now that I have Cancer. I don't know why, I guess because of all the movies I have seen they exaggerate how horrible people look. Some do I am sure but I don't seem to look sick at all. At least in Public. I do let myself go the first few days but then it's "Make up and Hair" time. I want to look the best I can when I face the World. FYI I have decided to do a sort of "Bucket List". My first item was to trespass and walk on a working railroad track. Well, it wasn't on my list but it started the list. Jessica and I are going to be jumping out of a Plane on her 21st Birthday. Woo Hoo. I am not going to be a fanatic but I am living what I have left with Gusto. No more being afraid of things. I may even go back to College. I have wanted to do it for years. Seems like a good time to start.
Wish me luck. Thanks again for all your thoughts, Prayers and Encouragement. I couldn't have made it without my "Support Group".

Tuesday

Just went to dinner at Iggys with the Fam and Watched the Jazz beat out Miami Heat in Overtime. Life is good today. Feeling pretty good tonight and I am sure I will tomorrow. Other than maybe some nerves. Countdown 2 days. Well technically less than 2 days. My sisters will be up tomorrow. Woo hoo. So excited for that. Jessica is getting off work too so we will have a "Full" house on Thursday. I hope we don't scare anyone away. I can't wait until that last little buzzer goes off on the machine saying "I'm done, the bag is empty". Yeah baby. You don't even know. The I get to Ring the BELL and go out to a huge lunch with all my Fam. I am not even thinking about what's going to hit me in the following week. Hopefully if I take all the medications I can stay on top of the worst of it. Either way 1 week or 2 I can't take whatever comes as long as they don't tell me I have to go through it again. I can't wait for whatever test they give me that says I am "Cancer Free". Another Celebration for sure.

Super Saturday. Countdown begins.

Feeling pretty darn good today. Still having a few small attacks of Anxiety but nothing like the first of the week. A little bit of a cough which I am hoping turns out to be nothing but the weather change. Heading for the Hills today to go riding on my new 4-Wheeler. Not sure if I feel up to it but I have to keep living. Plus there is always nap time. I did make it to Chuck E Cheese yesterday. My 2 nieces and 2 of Austins cousins were there. It was super fun. Then Austin and I went to watch Jessica bowl. She is on a Friday league with Jeff and people from her work. Boy I tell ya, by the time I got home I was BEAT. But I sure slept good. Maybe that is the key. Wear myself out and sleep like a baby. It seems to work right now anyway.
By the way in case anyone isn't counting down every second of every day like I am...... I have 5 days to D Day. Five days???? I can't believe I will be done with this mess. Radiation starts December 1st but I will be done by mid January. Originally it was supposed to be the end of February when I would be done. This way I will (hopefully) be well for my big Gigantic 50th Birthday party that someone had better be planning for me. Heck with that I will be well enough to plan my own party. hahahahahaha.
TTYL Peeps. Off to the Mountains again, Fresh air and Beauty surrounds me there. I feel like a Million bucks, minus some taxes of course.

Finally Friday

I finally got my Heart Rate down to 100 yesterday. I am still having the Hot flashes and still not feeling "quite" right. I have gotten over the idea that I was going to have a Heart attack any minute and die on the floor. Not letting anything stop me today. I am spending the afternoon with my Chicken, my 2 nieces and the cousins. It's going to be great. We are going to Chuck E. Cheese. Between me and Austin both being sick I haven't spent any time with him in at least 4 weeks. I hate that. I miss him so much. He is such a funny little guy. Ashleigh (his Mom) says he is feeling so good today and is full of energy. Good thing we picked Chuckies and good thing I am feeling a bit better.
I am on the final countdown......................6 days to the Poison. But of course it is the last dose of poison (I hope, I hope) for a very long time. Hopefully forever.
I am a bit worried. I know I shouldn't listen to people but it's hard not to. Someone that has been through this said that each time gets worse. I think I believe that because honestly I haven't really had but one good day this time so far. I was so hoping for the Ocean on Thanksgiving but I do not think it is going to happen. I guess I will lower my expectations and just hope I can enjoy a family dinner at home. Maybe even Chuck a Rama so I don't have to cook. NOOOOO!. I swore I would never eat out at a Restaurant on a Holiday. I will figure out a way to make this work.
Off to enjoy at least part of my day. Thanks again for all the Love and Support.
You guys are amazing.

Where have I been

Well let's see............Saturday was good. But Sunday, Monday, Tuesday?? All a different story. Sunday was a Lazy day and back to work on Monday. Monday @ 2:00 I started feeling a bit off. Felt short of breath and weird pain in my chest and back. I went over to one of the nurses and turns out my Oxygen level was only 89 and my Pulse Rate 118. Not good. I called the Nurse ( Tina) and was told it was an odd form of an Anxiety attack. So home I went more pills and lots of rest. Tuesday was a bit better only 2 random attacks that didn't last too long. Back to work today but by 2:00pm back to the high heart rate 105 today. I don't know what it is about 2:00. I guess my body doesn't process stress right now so I get these weird attacks. Oh well, what else? I get something new every time. One week from tomorrow and will be my last Treatment. I am starting to worry that I am going to get even sicker next time. This time I had symptoms and issues that have lasted well into my second week this time. I guess I can only hope it won't be too bad next time. Either way it is my last time. I can take it.

Happy Days

Happy Days are here again. haha. I went to bed last night @ 9pm and didn't wake up once until 6 this morning. I feel so good. These are the days I remember so well. These are the reasons I suck it up on the bad days. I forgot to tell a cute story from Yesterday. I had one of my cutest patients come in yesterday. His name is Merrill Fisher. He had a stroke and has alot of memory, speech and movement issues. He and his wife are one of the nicest couples I have ever met. So anyway, I was telling them a story about Cancer Support Groups. I told them I wouldn't go to one but I would "Run" one. Well I was pretty much serious but Merrill cracked up laughing. He couldn't stop. His wife said he hadn't laughed that hard since he had the stroke. All he could say was "Yes you would run it". Then I started laughing too. Even the patients know I am a control freak. The point to that story is making other people happy even at my expense is worth everything to me. Linda (his wife) said I probably touch so many peoples lives and they use me an example to their friends and family. That has to make a person feel good right?!. If I have to battle this ugly Monster at least I know I am touching people along the way. Gone are the days when I was going to just suffer in silence. I am not looking for Sympathy by any means by telling my story ( unless of course the sympathy involves Chocolate ) I have just found something I can do to make a "huge" difference in this World and I am running with it.

Thursday early am

2am and I am watching Hoarders "Buried Alive". I thought I could stay calm and keep the back spasms to a minimum but they had other plans. So I am wide awake. Which surprises me because and hour ago I took Loratab and a Ibuprofen 800. It is starting to take effect I just hope that sleep will soon follow. I did manage to get an hour in after the Hot bath. Let's hope there is more sleep in the future tonight. Otherwise I am right back on the Roller Coaster of sleeping all day and back up all night. Oh well if that's what it takes then I guess I will sleep when I can. I am not even sure my Body knows what is normal any more. Normal for me right now is just go with the Flow.
My Son asked me the other day if we could "Plan" what we are doing for Thanksgiving. At this point I don't even plan the day. Just when I thought I would be able to go to Wal-Mart today by body had other plans and I was living in the bathroom for a couple of hours. No planning for me. Thanksgiving will be exactly 2 weeks from my last treatment. Ordinarily I would start to feel better by then but each session has been different to the point where I have no idea when anything is coming. Especially the dreaded taste buds. As it is I don't taste much until 3 weeks out. We will just have to see.
Peace out friends I am going to try for some sleep. Wish me luck.

Wednesday PM

Just when I thought I made it. Yep. NOT. Tonight is the Hot flashes, Back Spasms and all around crappy feelings. Hot Bath here I come. I swear if I could live in the Tub I think I would. Maybe a good plan that I don't have a Giant Garden Jetted Tub. We wouldn't be able to afford the water bills. I was going to try to go to work tomorrow but if this is starting this late I am sure I don't want to be at work if it hits me harder. I am hoping (as always) if I start on the pills right now it won't get any worse. All I can hope for is a full nights sleep. I have already been laying on Ice packs for hours. Now on to the Heat. It's nice to know what's coming so that I know what to do before it's "too Late". Been there done that. No fun.
Hopefully I will be up to Trick or Treating with my little buddy. I look forward to any sense of normalcy I can get. Of course today I just found out he has been sick. Sad to say but if he has anything I can't even have him come over. I am feeling a bit isolated without seeing any of the Nephews, Neices  or even my Grandson but I have one last treatment left and I can't afford to be exposed to any germs. Last time my buddy came over his little brother had a Cold and it didn't take long for me to catch it. Even though they had no symptoms at the time. It brought me blood levels up to 14.9. Not sure exactly what all that means but if they are too high or too low I can't get treated. No Thanks. I will sacrifice and stay indoors. I do NOT want this to last any longer than is absolutely necessary.

Wednesday Oct. 27th

Way too early and I didn't want to get up. Finally getting a "Whole" nights sleep and my Dogs decided they want to go out. Don't they know how hard it is for me to sleep? Guess not. It was nice I must say to sleep for 7 hours though. I decided not to take my Nausea pill in the afternoon yesterday. They make me sleep and then I am up most of the night. Either that or I am "sleeping" with delerium dreams. Which is probably worse. Tuesday night I was convinced I couldn't breathe and kept going to Drs to get on Oxygen. Oh let's clarify. That was all in my dream. I couldn't breath out of my nose and for some reason I couldn't open my mouth to get extra air. When I went to the Dr. they checked my levels and of course said I was breathing just fine. Weird dreams. Gotta love them Medically induced Comas.
I am getting a bit excited and hoping for the best for Friday. I want to go to work on Halloween. I love Halloween and it's so fun to see everyones Costumes. Today I am feeling like I will make it. Let's hope I don't get blind sided by anything. I am going to be "Kind of" Cleopatra. I don't know how good it will turn out but it looks really good in my brain. I am also hoping to Trick or Treat with Austin. I need Need NEED a little bit of normalcy in my life right now. As long as I don't Over do I should be O.K.

Monday Oct. 25th

I officially have a Love/Hate relationship with the Anti-nausea medication. It helps the belly but it seriously knocks me out. I sleep 4 hours at a time when I take them and I am supposed to take them every 6 hours. It's a bit crazy. I feel like I have no life right at the moment. I haven't decorated anything for Halloween and don't even seem to care. Which is unusual for me since I absolutely LOVE Halloween. Here's hoping I will at least be well enough to take Austin Trick or Treating. Today is kind of an emotional day. I feel like total crap, I am sick of it, and I want it to be done. Yes I know this will pass but it takes too long. Today is one of those days that someone is supposed to remind me that there will be good days coming soon. I can NOT wait for my #4 treatment. Of course I still have to deal with all the Crap but at least I will know it's the END. Woo Hoo.

Sunday Sunday

Gloomy Day outside matches the gloom in my brain. Trying to stay positive but I am driving myself crazy what's coming next. One bad thing about being through all of this before. You know!!! something else is coming. So far so good staying on top of the Nausea. Taking the little happy pills seems to help. My feet are already starting to hurt on the bottoms so I will be popping the Loratabs soon. Have to catch the pain before it goes to my hips and my back. I guess Knowledge is power. At least now I know what may be coming and what I can do to "help" it. Will it get rid of everything NO but it will help. And as I always say........This too shall pass. One more treatment, I can soo do this.

October 22. PM

Good Grief. It is already starting and it's coming on strong. Can't decide if I want to eat, throw up, or just fall asleep. My whole body is turning against me right now. I usually don't get this "Good" until at least Sunday. I don't know if this is a good sign that it will end sooner or a bad sign that I am in for it. Let's hope for the good. I so want to be able to go to sleep and hope I can sleep all night. Well if all else fails I have plenty of "happy" pills I can take. I so hate taking pills but I am learning that whatever helps has got to be done. Bad part is some of the side effects are worse than the Nausea. That is why I don't take them. Oh my, Oh my. Will I be so happy on November 11th. That is my last treatment. Bring it on...................I am so ready.
(to be done that is). I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be well. I keep thinking Hawaii that should get me through this mess. haha. Still thinking of the Ocean for Thanksgiving. I got the idea from Lifetime Movies. Whenever someone has Cancer they put on their flowing scarves and go to the Ocean. I guess that is what I should be doing too. (Well it's a good excuse for a trip isn't it?!)  Peace out Friends. Let's hope for a good night.

October 22nd.

Today was shot day. Oh joy. I went with my Mom and my Aunt to my Aunt's appt and then over to the Oncologist for my shot. Afterwards we went to Empire Chinese Buffet for my "last" meal. haha. For the next 10 days there won't be anything good on my plate. My tongue is already turning white, no Bueno. But it is what it is and I know it will pass. I am keeping out the hope that I will be able to enjoy my Thanksgiving dinner. I talked to my sister tonight and she is planning on coming up for my "Ring the Bell" party. I am psyched for that. She might bring my other sisters with her. It will be a Family reunion at the Cancer center. They don't know what they are in for. All my Sisters in one place. Maybe I should warn them. Nah! Let them find out the hard way.
Can't wait for that day.
The nausea is starting already. I guess that might be a good thing. The sooner it starts maybe the sooner it ends. Maybe I will get lucky and feel better sooner. I won't get my hopes up though. Who am I kidding. I am totally hoping for that.
Have a good night everyone. On to sleeping pills and hopefully a full nights sleep for me.

3 down one to go.....................

Woo Hoo. Today went really well. They gave me preventitive medications to "Relax" my body so it didn't go on the attack. I 1/2 slept through the whole thing. It was marvelous. I was so nervous when I first got there I had almost made myself physically sick. So happy to have it over. One more treatment and I am done with this mess. Hopefully Forever (at least that's my plan). Today was a ladies last treatment and they gave her some non-alcoholic champagne and then you get to ring a huge bell and everyone claps for you. I can't wait for that day. I am sooooo ringing that bell with all the gusto I can muster. I told my big Sis about it and she is going to try to get time off and come up to be with me. That will make it even more fun. Let's get the party started.
I know I am in for a rough week but I think just knowing I am that much closer is going to help me get through it. And the best part of all is I lost 1 whole pound. I know that sounds lame but on the Steroids I am on my Dr. says some people tend to gain 2 to 3 lbs a week. YUCK! I am glad I am not one of them. One girl had gained 72 lbs. over the course of her  treatment. No Thanks. Sounds Vain I know but it's the one thing I can control by eating correctly and trying to stay active. I am going to do what I can. So I slept most of the day and now it's after 10 and I am wide awake. Betcha I am going to be up all night. Oh well No work for a few days. I can sleep in the day time.
Thanks for all the thoughts and Prayers. I know the Love and support I am getting from my friends and family are totally getting me through this. I feel for the people that don't have what I have. I am going to do what I can to Volunteer in some support groups when I am well. I want to help anyone I can like I have been helped. Never thought I would be a "Champion of the Cause" and I don't think I am. I just want to be there for someone that needs me.
Peace out! Love you all.

D Day tomorrow. 20th

Well today was my last day of work for a week or so. Tomorrow is the 3rd treatment. i hope it goes better than the 1st and the 2nd. Third times the Charm isn't it? That's what I am thinking. I had a blessing from a very good friend and his brother tonight. I feel better already. Any little bit helps. I know that God is in my Corner and I will beat this. I also know however that I am in for a few rough patches. I am still a bit nervous about tomorrow and hoping not to get a reaction to the Drugs. My main fear is not Death (I have total confidence in the Nurse and Doctor). My fear is that I will have another reaction and will not be able to continue with the Taxetere. What does this mean for me? Not quite sure but from what I have heard it will mean that I will A. have longer treatments of a lesser dose or B. have to wait for my body to "heal a bit" and keep up with the same regimen. I am so ready for this all to be over. Soon enough it will.

Had my first In and Out Burger today. Good but not all it's hyped up to be. I just figured I would treat myself since next week it is back to "tasting" nothing. Eating just to eat. Mostly Eggs and Oatmeal. When I am done with this I swear I may never eat Oatmeal again.
Well Off to bed to toss and turn and get "NO" sleep. Typical for the day before Treatment. I will catch up on my sleep on the weekend. I will take the "Sleepy" pills and sleep for hours. Peace out. I will keep you posted.

4 days out!

Had a pretty good day today. I went grocery shopping, Cooked a Fab dinner for my Family and even made Cupcakes. I felt so normal today. It was great. Tonight when I sat down to dinner I actually "enjoyed" it which was bittersweet. I know that when my tastes come back then I am almost up for the next treatment. Yuck!. At least I get a bit of enjoyment. I made chicken pillows, mashed taters and green beans. I swear nothing has ever tasted so good. haha. It's crazy how you learn to enjoy simple things. I went for a Hot Chocolate @ maverick and even it was amazing. I actually Craved it. I swear I must be pregnant. (O.K. maybe not). Watching movies tonight and hoping for a full nights sleep. Wish me luck.

Sunday Oct. 17th

I am just wondering if I will EVER sleep a full night again. This is my "Good" week and I usually feel much better but of course I caught a Cold that I just cannot shake. I hope it doesn't delay my Treatment. I have "Big" Plans for tasting Turkey by Thanksgiving. haha. Stuffy Head, Watery Eyes, Ick. I am over this mess. Well anyway, I am not sure what to do on the sleep end. I take the Pills, I go to bed early, but I lie there in what I call 1/2 sleep. Strange dreams, tossing and turning. I would love to sleep maybe 12 hours straight in a dreamless state.
Yesterday was a great day. Some friends and I had a little BBQ to Celebrate my "Good" Weekend. Hot dogs on the Grill (Yum). Great food and awesome Company. Came home and watched the "Blindside". I love that movie. And acutally even folded a load of Laundry. One thing for sure my house is going down the toilet. Whatever energy I do have doesn't want to be spent cleaning. So if anyone "Stops" by I hope they remember the "Maid" is sick. Have a wonderful Sunday. I will write tonight if anything eventful happens.  Peace Out!

Finally Friday October 15th

Finally getting over this stinking Cold I have had all week. I am certainly hoping for a good night sleep. I hope it works out that way. Maybe I will have to break down and take the sleeping pills. I prefer not to take anything I don't have to. Every pill has a different side effect and it has to be weighed as to wether it's really worth it. At least I don't have to get up early tomorrow. Woo Hoo.  I actually made it through 38 hours this week at work. That's more than I did on my second week last time. It makes me feel good to be able to work. Somehow I don't feel so much like a "Sick" person that way.
I am looking forward to a fun day with some of my girl friends. We all wanted to get together when I felt "well" enough so we are having a cookout @ Michelle's new condo. BBQd Hot Dogs and Tater Salad. Yum yum. Can't hardly wait.
So in the immortal words of my little Jessica   "I'm not gonna Lie" haha. I am very nervous about my next treatment. After the horrid reaction I had last time I just don't know what to expect. I feel like I should right down some of my wishes (just in case) something bad happens. But am I being overly morbid? or just super cautious. I don't know. The Nurses are great and I know they know what to do but if my body doesn't cooperate I am done. It is a pretty scary thought. It's funny how life throws us curve balls. I guess we just live life to the fullest, hope for the best outcomes, and trust that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

October 13th

29 years ago today my little baby boy was Born. He's not too little any more. I had a horribly long labor and to be honest when they put him in my arms I kind of freaked out. I had no idea what to do with him. Of course as parents we never know what to do with these little people we are intrusted with. We just raise them the best we know how and hope we teach them something along the way. My son has made me proud on so many occasions but the best thing for me is to watch him with his own Son. The best thing I could have instilled in him is the Love and compassion to be a great parent.
Of course teaching them to work hard and earn a good living doesn't hurt.

I have already worked 20 hours this week in the last two days. I have come home so tired but it is a good tired. I love staying busy at work. It gives me purpose. If I was to sit at home all day I am afraid I would either be depressed, wallow in self pity or basically sleep my life away.

I was feeling kind of good about myself today. In the last few days I have heard from a few people that I have "helped" indirectly (and unintentionally) with things that are going on in their lives. Today I had a Nurse come up and ask me how she can help her Mom who is battling this Cancer also. When I was first diagnosed I wasn't going to be "open" about any of it. I didn't want to be anyones poster child or the Picture of Breast cancer but who am I to say what my destiny is. Maybe this was all part of Gods plan. I am supposed to go through this, stay strong and be there for others. Either for others to help me through service or me to help them by showing my strength. I will just go wherever this path takes me.
Peace Out.

Tuesday 12th

Wow. I am beat. I worked a full 10 today. I hate that I have to work but Money talks and I still have bills to pay. Some days I don't mind working because it gives me purpose. Today I was so tired that I really didn't want to be there. I have a full blown Head cold. Thanks Austin. haha. I got some perscription strength Sudafed from the Pharmacy. Wish me luck. I am planning on working 40 hours. But of course I now know my weaknesses and I will quit if it gets to  be too much. Came home tonight and ate HOT Dogs. Gross I know but boy was it worth all the fat and Calories. Too tired to write too much tonight. Hoping for some goooooood Sleep.

Monday Monday

Oh I hate it when I do that. I wrote a whole page and Lost it. Don't ask me what I did. So anyway, I didn't write at all Yesterday which is a surprise because it was a great day.
Adam's Birthday (29) is on the 13th so we decided that we would celebrate at Lagoon Frightmares. When he was little we always did a Halloween theme so it was super fun. We had a fun little picnic and Superman cupcakes, the weather was amazing and I felt pretty good. It was all around the most perfect day I have had in a long time. I was very wiped when I finally got home but I must say it was worth every bit of the exhaustion. I didn't go to work today. Not enough sleep with this stinking head cold. I did spend the morning with my Baby sister. We got to go to the Layton D.I. for those of you who don't know I am a Thrift store junkie. We had a bit of "emotional" talk and I had an Ephiphany. I am not sure if Sunday was superly magical or if I am just learning to appreciate the little things in life. I am a firm believer that when you come very close to the possibilty of death you live you life a bit different. I plan to live mine to the fullest.
I am finding true friends and actually finding the "Real" me in the process. You never know who you truly are until you are faced with adversity and make it through to the other side. I stick up for myself more than I ever have and I feel pretty good about it.
Off to watch Dancing with the Stars. TTYL>

Saturday

So far so good. I thought it might be refreshing to write on here while I am actually feeling not only well but upbeat as well. haha. I did 3 loads of laundry this morning and now am taking a MOVIE break. Blood Diamond. Kind of sad but really good so far.
Spent a little bit of time with my little Man yesterday. But not quite enough. I miss him when I don't get to see him. He is so funny and is growing up so fast now that he started School. Yesterday he told me he was smart because of the Homework Helpers. "They are Moms that come to the School and sometimes even Dads". What a kid. So I am excited to think that I might get 2 whole good weeks this time instead of just 10 days. One can only hope. That will make the next one a little easier to bear. Still can't taste anything (which I hate) but I guess it keeps me from eating 24/7 (which is what I really want to do). I actually hung up a Halloween sticker today. Not much but I at least feel like I did something. Maybe today I will go buy a Pumpkin @ WalMart.  They had some pretty nice ones that weren't too expensive. Feels good to be alive in the FALL.

October 8th

Woo Hoo!. I slept all night. That is a minor miracle in itself. Going to try to play a bit today. Going to lunch with some Ladies from the neighborhood and picking up my chicken from School. So excited I haven't seen him for 2 weeks. I miss his cute little face. I am sure I will be napping tonight but it will be worth every minute to feell "Alive" for the day. I have to keep remembering that I will have these good days. When I am having the bad ones it's all I can focus on and I am sure I will never get better. My big focus now is Thanksgiving. I will be done with all of the Chemo and my "Bad" week by then and am planning on Celebrating big time. Hopefully going to St. George to be with all the extended family. Either way I am looking forward to "tasting" the good food. How's that for a Goal? haha. My goals lately seem to revolve quite a bit around food. I am constantly hungry yet nothing is "good" so I am constantly thinking of what to eat next. Too funny.  Last night my daughter had Chinese food and I literally sat and watched her eat it. I had already had dinner but somehow it was fun to watch her enjoy her food. OMG. I sound like I am obsessed. haha. I guess I kind of am. Well off to shower and put on "My Hair". Time to feel a bit human. Thanks again for the prayers I am absolutely positive that God is in my corner on this one.

TLC Series

O.K. I officially decided I will be the next IDIOT on "I didn't know I was Preganant". I am pretty sure with all this back pain and jello legs I must be about to deliver Triplets. I am telling you right now if a baby pops out it's going right back.
I read the Immodium package today and it says I should take one pill each time I "Visit" the restroom for my "issue". (Doesn't that sound alot better?) But I can only take 4 in a 24 hour period. There's always a catch. I have been in there at least 20 times today. I think that is a bit over the limit. I do believe between the Loratab and the Immodium I might just make it throught tonight sleeping in my own Bed. One can only hope. On the plus side I "almost" tasted a German Chocolate Brownie that Jeff brought home. I could taste the sugar on the bottom. Woo hoo. There is always something positive in every negative. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to taste a Cheeseburger from Five Guys. haha.

Ocotober 6th

Wednesday........I am so glad I decided not to go to work today. It seems that my Bathroom floor and I are going to be great freinds. I slept there part of the night and will probably be in there "Many" Many times today. The tile floor feels really good actually when you are having the "Sweats". I have come to find that if you find something that helps go with it. Feeling a little bit sad. I honestly hoped I would feel better than this by now. I thought that getting the shot late last time prolonged everything else but I guess not. That's O.K. I still get to have 2 "good" weekends and I am VERY thankful for that.
My baby sister is coming up this weekend and we are hoping to have some good Grandma time with the kids. Maybe the Pumpkin patch. BRRRR. Fall is here. Yay. I have some awesome hats and I won't look so awkward wearing them. I am still hoping to be able to go to Dallin and Sam's wedding but it will be a wait and see. At least I can feel like I had a small part in getting their gift together.

Tuesday Oct. 5th

Not quite as bad today. I just simply feel that any and all energy has been zapped from my body. I hope their isn't a Fire or Major Catastrophe I am afraid I would not make it down the stairs. So I need to clear up this stupid shot I get. I think it is called Neulasta. I keep saying Luenasta. Well whichever one it is, I am NOT taking the sleep aid. hahaha. Although it might be good if I did so I could sleep a bit. I guess I can't complain I am up to 7 hours a night. I usually only wake up once for a Potty run. Those Adult diapers are looking pretty good right now. NOT!. EWWW!. I would have gone the Bed Pan route but unfortunately my darling daughter wasn't up for the challenge. My sweet little Mommy brought me a book to read, a magazine, cleaned my Kitchen and even rub my feet with some pain reliever cream. She rocks big time. Got me through the day Mom.
Two days ago I was ready to give up and discontinue treatment but I am starting to remember that there are "Good" days. I refuse to give up the fight now matter what I have to endure. My family, my friends and my LIFE are way too important to give up now. Keep in mind that in all things there are trials and tribulations. Look to the Positive and you can make it through anything. No one said it would be easy.............But it is most definitely worth it!. Can someone remind me of this statement on October 23rd when I am going through this again?!. Peace out. Thanks for sharing.

Monday Morning. Yuck.

No such luck. I was hoping getting the Leunasta shot earlier and keeping up on the pills would keep me from getting as much pain. Yeah, I think not. No Back spasms (yet) but oh the pain in my back and legs. Already popping the Loratab. Any other time those things would knock me out. Of course not now. My Ankles feel like someone hit me with a baseball bat. Wow, a new adventure every time. Fair warning you may want to stay far away from me today. I am ORNERY! big time. My stupid dog keeps barking at people out the window and I am about to go over and ring his neck. haha. Who am I kidding I probably can't even stand up. Oh I know this too shall pass within a day or two but it sure isn't fun for today. Thank goodness I don't have to be at work. All those crazy demanding patients I might actually go to jail for murder. O.K. O.K. I am working on staying calm. Deep breathing. NOPE ain't gonna happen. I can hardly wait for November 11th. That is my last Chemo treatment. I am sure that week will be easier to deal with since I know it will be the last. I got this!. Peace out.

Sunday Morning

October 3rd. I think. Oh what a beautiful morning. I am up at the crack of dawn (4:30).
But that's O.K. I went outside with my dogs and the stars and the moon were so bright and the air is so crisp. It was a perfect start to an early day. I had such a good talk with my "Big Sis" last night she is officially my new "Grief Counselor". She gives me advice on how to accept help, to admit when I am not well, and to allow myself to have a "pity party" once in a while. But she also reminded me that I feel this way the first week or so and I do get "better". And I will get better. This is not the "ME" forever, it is a temporary setback. My sweet little "Church" ladies/Friends made us some yummy frozen dinners. It is so nice that people care enough to help out. It is nice too because we can just cook them when we need them. There are so many thoughtful people in my life and I want to Thank you all. I am learning (the hard way) that I might actually need some help and it is O.K. to take it. Some day it will be my turn to give back and I will.
I am hoping for a ride up to the Canyon today to see the turning leaves. I just hope my body cooperates. I LOVE FALL!.

October 2nd-Technically

Wow. I actually slept for 6 wole hours. Last night was a bummer night. I think I finally admitted to myself that I am a Cancer patient. Don't get me wrong I wasn't in denial. I just thought it was easier to just have a sickness that was going to just get better with all the medication. (and it will). My emotions got the better of me. I think I am super tired for one which makes everything seem worse. Haven't slept much for 3 days. Maybe today. So anyway, My second treatment was a bit worse than the first as I said before. The Nausea set in big time and none of the little happy pills did anything for it. I am gaining weight from the Steroids and constantly feel hungry yet nothing I eat satisfies. Mostly because nothing tastes good. And what little bit of hair I did have left has decided not to stay either. It was just a sucky evening over all. So contrary to popular belief that I am always happy and smiling I was not. I looked in the mirror and saw a "SICK" person looking back. It was not pretty. But I had a super good cry. Got a bit of sleep and am ready to face a new day. At least I know I am going to get some good ones soon.
P.S. Thanks to my friends who are always there to let me vent my frustrations. It does help alot to get it all out.

October 1st

Got my Luenesta shot today. We will see how that goes. Already having so much more Nausea than last time. I might rather have the "Other" side effects. I hope I don't get them both. That will NOT be fun. I am prepared for the worse but hoping for the best. I just need to keep on top of the pills and take them one time. Before anything goes crazy.
Had a great morning with my Dad. He took me to get my shot, took me to Wal-Mart (even though he hates it) and then we went to Chilli's for lunch. Came home and took a nap. So far so good. Wish me luck.

2 down 2 to go

Second time/worse than the first. My Immune system is officially compromised, my Vitamin D levels are at an all time low, my Blood pressure was high, I gained 2 lbs. and I am an all around mess. But other than that I am doing just GREAT! haha. I had a super bad experience yesterday. I was getting my IV treatments and everything was going along just fine. When Tina (my lovely Nurse) switched the bags over to the Taxstere everything went crazy. I was laying back in the reclining chair and my face went beet red (which I wasn't concerned about at all because it happened last time). Well all of the sudden I sat straight up and I guess I gave my Mom a sheer look of terror. All I could say was "Something's not right" and then I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk, I was totally freaking out (as well as my Mom) and I just started to cry. I am sure I was panicking a bit. The Nurse had to shut down the Taxstere and give me 3 shots in my IV (to re-start my body). I had to get put on Oxygen and I went into a state of Delerium (I think that's the right word). I was thinking that I was at work in the Lab and the Patients kept handing me their lab orders left and right. I was so upset that I had to be at work
when I was so sick and the patients were being so rude so I guess I was literally trying to throw their papers back at them. My Mom held down my arm and asked me if it was hurting and I told her no I just didn't want to work. (kinda funny now that I think about it, I must have been quite the site). Those darn patients can't even leave me alone during Chemo. They were finally able to re-start my Medication after about a half hour but I stayed on the Oxygen the whole rest of them time. The Nurse diluted it down with 1 1/2 bags of Saline Solution and the rest went pretty well. Of course I drifted in and out of some weird realm that I wasn't really asleep but I wasn't awake either. She kept coming by and tapping me to see if I responded. SCARY,  SCARY Experience. I must admit.
I just want to Thank everyone again for all their thoughts and prayers. I am PRETTY Darn sure that someone was looking out for me yesterday and I sure needed it. I am still here today and very Thankful for that. I am getting teary just thinking about it so I think I will say Bye for now. Peace out.

Sleepless Nights.

Oh my how fun. Finally went to bed @ 12:30 and by 4 in the morning I had "Oldies" stuck in my head. "I got Chills there multiplying" (I had chills running down one leg).
"Oh what a night, Late September back in '63 (2010)" and best one yet. "I couldn't get to sleep at all last night duh duh duh dun." Yeah it's going to be a great day when it starts that way. Crazy. I guess I am more worried about today than I thought. They say it's easier because you know what to expect. My philosophy is I am better off NOT knowing what to expect. It scares me to think I get to go through all this over and over and over. Oh well, It's for the greater good as they say. I am worried about getting the "Chemo" brain and getting forgetful (very worried). I am normally very much in control of my environment and what is going on and lately I have had to write myself notes about "Everything". I have notes on bills to pay, drs appts, pills to take, what to buy at the store. It's kinda pathetic. I am constantly trying to make sure I "remember" things so my brain doesn't ever shut off. Oh and FYI if you get ramblings on here or repetitiveness just go with it and you can even snicker at me about for it. I just hope I don't forget to put on my "Hair". hahahha. That would be hilarious.

Last day of the "Feel Goods"

So my last day of the "feel goods" and then I get my butt kicked tomorrow again. I had an awesome "last day". haha. Went to lunch with friends from work, Worked "all day" yay me, Went to Joy Luck for dinner with another friend, got major heartburn from the Hot mustard ( my bad I know better ), got my bills paid for the week, got my bathroom cleaned and my laundry 1/2 done. How's that for an eventful day? I am so ready for bed. Bring it on treatment I am ready for you this time.  I am a bit worried, I have heard that the 2nd treatment is worse than the first. I hope not. But I am prepared. I have all my pills and I know how to use them. And use them I will. One to sleep, one for Nausea, one for pain, one for muscle aches and Regular old Tylenol for the Teeth pain. I am pretty sure nothing can be worse than going bald and Back spasms. At least I can't imagine much worse. Well maybe laying on the bathroom floor and puking up my guts. That might be worse. Lucky for me I haven't had that at all. Some benefit I suppose. I am so used to not having my hair and it actually feels pretty darn good. I wear the wig to work and come home and OFF it goes. Bandana time. Weird how my worst fear didn't kill me at all. (That would be losing my Hair) It's not so bad and I know it will grow back. Thanks ever so much for the thoughts, prayers and general well wishes. It means alot to me and it really helps me stay positive. I will keep you posted.  Peace out.

Tuesday Countdown begins

I missed yesterday. It was a 10 hour Crazy day at work. I came home, at dinner and crashed. But FYI the Wig went over well. I got so many compliments on my "hair cut". It almost made me feel like I was lying. In some weird way. I just said Thanks. Then one lady actually asked me "Who cuts my Hair?" I said "Great Clips". haha. I don't even know why it just came out of my mouth. My friends and I laughed about it the rest of the day. Another girl said "Oh I wish I could have your Hair". So I told her she can have it when I am done with it. hahaha. She didn't get the joke. I loved it.
Today was another busy day (At least in the morning). I made it through the whole day. Of course I get to feel good for 2 more days. Well Actually 1 1/2 days. I am starting to get nervous. They say the treatments get worse each time. I am not sure it could get much worse from the first time without killing me. I guess we will see. At least this time I know what to expect, I have the knowledge and the MEDICATION to get through anything. I just hope I don't get the Back Spasms. I am pretty sure that was the worst part. Not that any of it was fun.
I am getting very comfortable with my "Bald" head and my Bandana. At least I got rid of alot of the pin prickly head pain. Still have a bit towards my forehead but that may be because of the wig. Well off to bed. Talk to you again tomorrow.

Hair today gone to Maui.

Well I really didn't go to Maui. I finally got up my courage with a little help form Ms. Jessica. About 5:30 tonight "we" cut it all off. First with scissors then with the clippers. A few tears and lots of laughs later what was left of my hair was all over the bathroom floor. Oh and down the back of my shirt. haha. Then it was shower time. You know you really don't need much shampoo when you don't have hair. Tomorrow will be the big test. It will be my first day at work with my "Wig". Wish me luck. I hope it passes.

AAGGGGHHHH!

Just saying. I just went in to wash my hair. I am not sure if it would have mattered if I did or not but I guess it's time to shave my head. I think it would be easier to make a conscious choice than every day to pull out clumps and handfuls. Man I have some thick hair. I have lost so much and my hair still looks the same. It's much thinner but I don't have the "typical" bald spots. It hurts alot when it is coming out though so why torture myself. I wonder if Jessica has the "Guts" to shave it for me? She says she does but we will see. And my little Deb went to Idaho. Bad timing Deb. haha. Jk. My Mom said I should just go to Great Clips or something. Yeah right, like that wouldn't embarass me down to the core. Maybe I will be superly brave and do it myself. Sounds like something I would do.

Super Saturday= Exhaustion

Wow. I am so tired right about now. I had a great time (except for the heat) and more importantly Austin had a great time. I am debating letting my sister shave my head tonight. Big decision. But on the other hand let me explain a little about "losing" your hair. It doesn't just drop out like you would think and leave you bald. It comes out in chunks and actually hurts. It feels like someone has pulled on your hair, which in turns gives (me personally) and humongous headache. I am also really tired of wearing hats already. I wear them so I don't "drop" hair everywhere I go but they my head hurts even more. It's a lose lose situation. I think I may just go ahead and shave it so it cutes hurting. Some people lose theirs all at once evidently mine is going to take a while. It's been almost 3 days already and it just keeps coming out. Either way it will be wig day on Monday. I hope I can pull it off. I do have a super cute wig and I think it will look pretty good. At least this happened over a weekend. My next treatment is Thursday so I am sure either way all the hair would be gone after that one. Still amazed I am NOT freaking out. Good Night I am off to bed.

Super Saturday

Today I "Feel" like a normal person. I might not look like one but I do feel like it. haha. I slept really well. Still not a full 8 hours. Maybe some day I will catch up on all this missed sleep. I dropped a ton of hair yesterday but the funny thing is you can't really tell too much. I have a super cute hat (betty boop of course) and the hair on the back of my head is still all there so it just looks like I like hats. I have my little buddy today which always cheers me up. Last time I had him over was last Friday and I was still a bit on the down low. Today is a good day and we are going up to Heber to watch his Dad do a "run in the Mud". It sounds like fun. I choose to enjoy every day that I feel good. I am not Naive and I know from experience there will be some BAD ones but why not have fun on the good ones right?!
My sister came up yesterday and I met her new Boyfriend today. He is a good guy and they are cute together. But anyway, she had a surprise for me that I thought was super cool. She got a Tattoo on her foot to show her support. It has 2 hearts and the BCancer ribbon and on the Red ribbon she had the word sisters put in. It is really cool. Jessica got one too with the Breast Cancer butterfly. I will be getting mine as soon as the Chemo is over and the risk of infection is minimized. I think my Dr. would kill me if I let someone touch me with needles and ink right about now. I can't wait though, both of their Tatts are beautiful. But the best part is they were thinking of me when they got them.
Off to Play. Talk to you soon.

Day 14

And so it begins. I thought I was going to get lucky but no such luck. I have been dropping so much hair today. Funny thing is I thought I would really freak out when it was "Time" but so far I am taking it very well. I guess I am finally used to the idea and if you want to save your life a bit of "Hair" is a small price to pay. At least I know it will grow back. As I sit here I keep dropping more and more. It's kind of gross if you think about it but at least I am in my own house and I can Vacuum it up. haha. Better than the nightmare I had where it all fell out while I was at my desk at work. That would not have been Pretty. Someone told me today that they thought I would be "Cute" with no hair. Well I guess we will never know. I do not believe anyone will see me without hair except maybe my own self in a mirror. But I am not even sure about that.
I decided once again today that as much as possible I need to be at work. I have patients that love me and super great friends and co-workers. I am very lucky.

Day 13

Oh my goodness. Today I am just beat. Last night I crashed @10:30 pm but my "belly" woke me up @ 2am. One thing about these drugs is they mess up your system pretty good. You get to go 2 or 3 days and NOT be able to "go" at all and then it hits. No fun. I am kind of getting worried today. I talked to a lady last night about what it feels like when your hair first starts to fall out and my head is feeling like that today. It feels like you have had your hair into a pony tail too long and too tight. And as you know I do not have long hair and it's definitely not going into a pony tail. Well I can't stop it so I guess I will just be prepared. If you possibly can. I am sure it's going to be very emotional when I say goodbye to my hair but like an old friend it will come back. And from what I hear it will be fuller, darker and maybe even curly. Wouldn't that be an adventure. haha. I always wanted curly hair. (without the 80's Perm that is).
People say that they are so happy that I am health enough to work a bit. But the funny thing is I really Love my job. I have so many "Favorite" patients and great co-workers so I feel "Lucky" that I can be there. They all make me feel missed and loved. It is to me a very "Healthy" place to be. It keeps me busy and upbeat. Of course today I only made it until 1 but that is still 6 hours in my 1/2 full world.

Feeling Sorry

I know, I know. I will have good days, I will have bad days. Today is just one of those days. I am totally feeling sorry for myself. Not really sure why but I can't seem to shake it. I had a pretty good day today. I worked a full 10 hours and aside from sore feet and heart burn I did really well. I have no idea why my feet hurt. I seriously sit in a chair all day long. Maybe lack of movement or circulation. So right now I am sitting in my Comfy chair with my feet up waiting for my dinner to make itself. Don't think it's going to happen. I am feeling good about one thing today. I talked to a few people about my blog and also about a little boy named Dax that is Battling a Brain Tumor. At first I thought I would just battle this quietly and move on but I decided you have to make some noise. You have to make people aware that this disease attacks Moms, Grandmas, Families, Friends and especially little Children. It's not fair but we can all work together to fight this fight. Dax' family is doing a bunch of fundraisers to help with his medical bills. I realized just how fortunate I am because I have really good Insurance and my out of Pocket was only $2,000.00. That is one worry I won't have for right now. Alot of people are not that fortunate. I am doing a very small part to help in a fundraiser for Dax and that gives me a purpose. I can feel good Today about helping. Well off to make my dinner. Alas, it did not make itself. I am not surprised. haha.

Day 10

Went back to work today (Again). I stayed til 1:00 pm. I might have been able to stay longer but I didn't want to push my luck. I felt pretty good today too. I did get a bit tired and ended up taking a 2 hour nap when I got home. But I still feel pretty good about the whole thing. If I have 1 1/2 good weeks out of 3 I can live with that. As long as I am seeing some good days it out weighs the bad. As my sister says..........One day at a time.
Tomorrow is another day and maybe it will be even better than today. One can only hope. I talked to the Patient Liason today she has been a big help through this whole ordeal. She sends me current info constantly on side effects, treatments, Nutrition and support groups. It's nice to feel like someone is in your corner besides the Docs.

Day 9

I hope I am not Jinxing myself here but " I FEEL GOOD ". I know scary thought but I am happy about it. I almost feel normal. I made myself some breakfast, cleaned the kitchen counters, dusted the T.V. and even washed the living room window. I got sick of looking at the nose prints on the window. (From the dogs of course). I have been drinking Carnation Breakfast Essentials for 2 days in a row and I think the boost in vitamins is helping alot. It might not be but as long as I think so then it is true. haha.
If I could give any advice it would be too make sure and eat healthy and get your vitamins in. At first I went with "If you want it eat it" mentality. Not a good plan. Yes you do have to eat alot to feel better but the wiser the choice the better you will feel. The funny part of the whole ordeal is I actually crave Vegetables. I know weird huh?! Desserts look and sound good but once I eat a couple of bites I don't even want them. This might turn my whole thinking around. I might just get healthy for my Latter years.
Today it is off to the Carmelite Fair. It's the big fund raiser for the Convent. My sister said I should get them to say a prayer for me while I am there. Maybe I will buy some blessed beads or something. Any little bit helps. And I certainly like having God in my corner.
I will keep you posted on how the rest of the day goes.
Peace out for now.

Day 8

I have made it through day 8. Woo Hoo. Big accomplishment. I talked to my Mom and all 3 of my sisters today. That's always good to boost your Mood. So I have decided after talking with my Mom that I am going to reward myself for good days. I am going to get a Chart and some bright happy stars. On the days when I am upbeat and feel good I will give myself a Star. I am hoping after a while of looking at the Chart I will have more Star spots than empty spots. This is good motivation for me. Jeff and I went for a "short" walk today. All the way around the block. It felt good to be up and moving. I even unloaded the dishwasher. Woo. It's a great day in my book. Started slow but seems to be ending on an upswing. I am going to try the Protein drinks every morning. Not sure if they are helping but it can't hurt
So, Deanna (my oldest sister) is my new Advice giver. She just says it like it is and puts it right out there for you. Funny thing is what she says makes total sense. We were talking tonight and she said I need to just worry about "Me" right now. Anyone that know me well knows how hard that is but I think she is right. I honestly don't have anything else to give anyone. Not that I don't love you all and in the future I would give you a "Kidney" haha. (If they are still functioning) if you need one but for the next few months it's all about me and my care. Thanks for listening.

Saturday

I am quickly deciding that Ativan is not a medication that is going to work for me. It is supposed to help me sleep but Not so much. I took it last night and slept (with nightmares) until 7am. This is the second time so I guess it wasn't a fluke. There is an herbal remedy the Dr. told me about so I am going to try that next. These drugs just stay in my body way too long and make me feel too drugged out. I slept for over 7 hours off and on today. Not good because tonight I won't sleep at all again. Oh well. I am so hoping that at some point I start to at least feel a bit better. So far I am barely functioning. I have tried the high protein thing and even the Protein drinks. Anybody out there have any other suggestions? I am running out of ideas.

1st week.

I just realized that I officially marked my 1st week of treatment. What no surprise party? Where are my friends? hahahaha. I had a good 4 hours today. Every little bit it worth celebrating. I am hoping for 5 tomorrow. Maybe a nap in between. Thanks to the Loratab the Back spasms have calmed down to a dull purr. Let's just hope the demons don't wake me up tonight and make me regret this post. haha. I just took the Ativan so I am hoping for a full nights sleep. I would be happy with 8 hours. Of course the latest thing going on now are the Night Sweats. Or should I say Night Swimming. I wake up feeling like I got into a swimming pool fully clothed and then jumped right into bed.
I am trying a different tactic tonight...........Cool down bath right before bed and baby powder all over to "soak up the sweat". hahaha. We will see how it goes.

Have a good Night Everyone. Chat again tomorrow.

God!

So I have been asked a couple of questions lately that have given me some food for thought. The first one is Do I still believe in God? The answer..... Of course I do. God is not just with you during the good times he is with you at all times. I had an interesting experience last night and it might sound hokey to some of you but it was my experience and I am sharing. I woke up @ 2 am and my back once again decided to start spasming. I was worried I was in for it. I was super tired and then hurting on top of that. Well anyway, I got pro active and took medication right away. 2 Loratabs and 1 Ibuprofen 800. Of course then I had to sit and wait for them to work. While I was sitting I decided I would say a prayer and ask for help. Not so much for the pain to be taken away but just that I might be able to deal with it for a bit. I also apologized for only praying "lately" when I needed help. Well within 15 minutes I felt such a calm come over me and I was able to take some deep breaths and relax a bit. I am sure that was an answer to my prayer.

The next question.......... which is kind of funny to me is.............Why would this happen to "YOU"? You are such a good person. Well the answer to this one is "Why not me?" Cancer doesn't care if you are Cute, Funny, Nice, Mean, Old, Young or the biggest beast on the planet. It's totally non-discriminatory. I can accept that. I can even go a bit further andy say "Why not me?" Of all people maybe I am a good candidate. I have a super strong support system. I have a great family and wonderful friends. I have been blessed with 2 amazing children and 1 amazing Grandchild (so far). I am still hoping for more. haha. Oh and by the way I have a great sense of humor that is going to get me through this. I do honestly know that I can beat this. Is it going to be hard? YES! but I will fight with everything I have.

Thanks again for all your support, prayers and LOVE. I can use all the help I can get.

Positive Note.

I had my first follow-up appt today. Evidently everything I am experiencing is quite normal. OH GREAT! haha. It doesn't last forever so I can do this thing. I got some Loratabs for my back. I didn't want another pill but it helps to be able to move your body. My back spasms made my blood pressure and heart rate go up by 10 points each. On the plus side I lost  1 1/2 lbs and was pretty much given Carte Blanche to eat whatever I want. O.K. well I am exaggerating on the last part but once in a while you have to cheat a bit. I have been very lucky in the fact that "Junk" food is not my friend right now. That is a plus simply because I am taking Steroids that make me want to eat constantly. At least I am eating semi-healthy. The Steroids are also putting me through Menopause, oh joy, I needed Hot flashes on top of all of this other nonsense. I took some Ibuprofen 800 and it saved me from shooting myself in the foot. I have never experienced any kind of back pain like that in my life. It was worse than giving birth to an 8 lb baby with no Epidural (and I am not kidding). I now know the decibel that my "deaf" cat can hear. I was screaming at one point and she actually looked at me like I was nuts. I am guessing I was a bit loud. Much better tonight. I feel like I might be oon the upswing. Let's Hope anyway.

Holy Hannah.

Talk about Pain. I have NEVER felt something this excruciating in my life. I am having horrible muscle spasms in my lower back and into my chest. Good Lord. I am NOT being strong today. It hurts and I don't care who knows it. I called the Drs office and they are out until 1:30. The answering service asked me to call back. For Real???? !!! I am dying here. I guess she couldn't tell by me swearing and screaming into the phone. Maybe she just thinks I am a Psycho path. I am fine with that too. Standing, sitting, laying Nothing helps.

Back to work-Fail.

Well I tried and I did feel pretty good for a while. Too much too soon? Maybe and Probably. I made it until about 2:30 and knew I was defeated. Lovely Rita came up and said "Go Home" Heidi will cover you. I was actually very relieved. It seemed easier for someone else to make the decision. I went home and straight to bed for 3 hours. I was hurting pretty much every part of my body. My teeth felt like I clenched them for days and my Head was pretty much near explosion. I broke down and called Utah Cancer after hours hot line. Dr. Samuelson called me back within minutes and he was super comforting. Alas, All I can take is Tylenol but it just feels good to know someone is listening to your fears. Oatmeal and Toast w/Jelly for dinner was very satisfying. Took a Hot bath and laid in the water feeling like a warm blanket was covering me. I could have stayed there for days. Of course then the water would get cold. Try again another day. I have to know my limits but I will not let this "MESS" win. I want at least some of my life back.

Day 6

Going back to work today. Why am I so nervous? Fear of the unknown? I don't know. I like my job and miss all my friends but I am still afraid. Not quite sure how my body is going to act I guess. I decided to do a 1/2 day. Not quite up to the 10 hours yet. Feeling O.K. so far today. Other than my aching jaw, my aching legs and my aching everything else. haha. Took a bath last night and fell into my bed at 9:00. Which was great until I woke up at 3:00 in the morning and tossed and turned the rest of the night. Should have taken the "Happy" pill. Maybe tonight. I am sure I will be tired from working. I woke up first thing this morning already thinking about food. Who am I kidding? I think I dreamt of food all night. Dr. Beck says that eating is the one thing that makes people feel good during this treatmtent. I hoped it wasn't so because I am going to get super fat. On the plus side, everyone that knows me well knows I am a "Junkie" (as in junk food), absolutely no snacks sound good to me at all right now. So I am eating alot but it is "good" for you food so far. My taste buds are gone, my mouth is always dry with a white film in it. I know it sounds gross but it is what it is. Butter rum lifesavers and Jr. Mints are my new best friends. I have been drinking so much water that I swear I could float down river somewhere. Oh wait, maybe that's all the food that is turning me into a flotation device. Oh my I am so funny. Well off for now, Breakfast, shower and get ready for Work. Wish me luck.

Day 5 1/2

Feeling a bit better this afternoon. My Mom and Dad came by to visit. I am thinking I need to get back to work tomorrow and get in with the "Living" again. Too much alone time is not a good thing, emotionally or physically. We are creatures of habit and I am not one to live in isolation. I love activity around me and people laughing and chatting can only lift my spirits.

Today may just be a good day to try to eat some Brocolli. I have absolutely no taste left at least nothing tastes good. Sweet things taste bitter and even water tastes bland. Oh wait water is bland. haha. I still got it. I thought to myself that since I can't taste anything I will try all the things I have never liked and maybe gain a liking to them. But who am I kidding I will still be able to see it and I will know I am eating it. Dang this defeats the whole Idea.
Today was a good day for Chemo Brain to kick in. I sat on the floor looking at my scheduled appts and couldn't find the card that says what time my appt is on Thursday. Well the smart side of my brain tells me I can call the office and ask them what time it is. Oh no, the Chemo brain just decides to cry for 20 minutes because I can't remember. Which actually solved nothing because I still don't remember. Gotta love these fun times.

Day 5

Five days count 'em woo Hooo!. I apologize in advance if this blog gets too deep but these are my feelings and they need to come out. Went to bed last night feeling pretty darn good. Got up this morning NOT so much. I don't think there is a part of my body that doesn't ache. Delayed reaction to the shot yesterday? Possibly. My teeth, my jaw all the way to the top of my head. I feel like I already ran the "Survival" Marathon so that means I don't have to run one next year right?! I am a bit worried about my head hurting that is supposed to be the early sign that the end is near for my HAIR. Yes I just said it out loud. I am so scared and I am very much on the verge of tears today. I know that once it's gone I will adjust but just not knowing when it's coming gives the most fear.
Eyebrows are easy they can be drawn on but hopefully the eyelashes don't go to. I hate false eyelashes. haha. There you go a bit of humor thrown in for good measure. I now totally understand why no one can tell you exactly what you are going to go through because they don't. Every person is individual and every medication regimen is designed just for them. I almost wish I could have just had the vommiting and fatigue and skipped all the rest but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's a small price to pay for the rest of my life with my wonderful family and friends. I wouldn't trade this experience for a different result. Because the only other result would mean I wouldn't be around. NOT an OPTION.

Confusion

Too many decisions, don't know what to do. I should get back into the World of the living but I am too tired to try. 10 hour days just seem too long. Or am I afraid to get
back into it and have questions to answer and let my emotions show? Probably a little of both.  I am sure I will get better with time. I was told today that the first treatment is the worse so that one is over and done. I can only get better from here. Getting close to Ativan time and another good night of sleep. I am going to like that little pill.

Shot!

The shot went well. I love, love, love the kindness I get from any and all of the Utah Cancer people. They are gentle and caring. I got my Shot at the Salt Lake Clinic. Barely felt it and amazingly enough I did NOT get the muscle aches. Maybe God decided I got enough of the other side effects so far. haha. I slept most of the day today and feel surprisingly well. I may even try to work a little bit tomorrow. Big maybe but I think it might be good for me to try. When I went to the Clinic today I got a chance to say Hello to a few friends. I really have some amazing friends and co-workers there. My Mom was so impressed with how genuine peoples feeling were for me. That made me feel pretty good too.

Day 4

Well...........It might just be the wonder pill in my box of tricks. I have a drug Ativan that I can take for Nausea at night. Evidently it causes drowsiness which is awesomely perfect for someone that hasn't slept much in days. I slept for 8 hours. I know it doesn't sound like much but it was full sleep. I didn't wake up once during the night. Today is the day for the Neulasta shot. Hopefully I don't get the muscle aches but if I do there's a pill for that. haha. There seems to be a Pill for just about everything possible. Up to this experience I can't say that I ever cared to take a pill for "Anything". I am not a "medication" type person. But I will tell you from my experiences take what the Drs give you they will help you get through all of the ups and downs. And there are alot of them.

My Wise oldest sister once told me (a few weeks ago). If there is a medication that will help you sleep, and just feel better take it! It's stupid to pretend you don't need it. If you didn't need it the Drs wouldn't prescribe it. I think she is right and I am taking her advice. for once. haha.

Note to self

I just got scolded from some really cute ladies form the Ward. I guess they don't like when you don't tell them things. haha. Sorry ladies. You know I love you. I know they like to help and I appreciate it alot. We are now getting meals so Jeff will be saved from cooking for a couple of days at least. And I don't have to eat his cooking. No offense Jeff. Actually Jeff and Jessica have been a huge help. Except that right now I am wishing for Dark Chocolate Mints and no one is getting up to run get them for me. Oh I stand corrected Jessica just came to tell me she is going to get them. The day is saved for now. Don't anyone tell the Cancer Docs that I am eating empty Calories. I have been so good on their strict plan. A little dark chocolate never hurt anyone did it?

So far so good tonight. Let's hope for some sleep. Haven't gotten much of that lately.
Maybe the Ativan will kick in and I will sleep all night.

Up and moving.

So I actually got out of my chair and decided to get "dressed" for the day. Too much sitting around in pajamas and slippers. I needed to feel like a "Real" person for a minute. Instead of a "sickie". It feels pretty good. Maybe if I just ignore my nagging stomache it will just go away. haha. I wish. Not as bad as I thought but not as good as I hoped. I went through a bunch of old pictures this morning and that was fun. It's amazing how fast your kids and grandkids grow up right before your eyes. Was going to try for the Fair but that just seems like too much work for today. Maybe another day. I haven't seen my chicken for more than a few minutes in two weeks. (for those of you who don't know "the chicken") He is my one and only grandson. Five years old and full of fun. He was going to be my "date" for the Fair. Luckily I didn't tell him we were going so I don't feel like I am letting him down.

So a friend of mine told me that her Mom had something that they like to call "Chemo Brain" when she went through her treatment. I asked my Doctor about it and "Yep" you guessed it everyone gets it. Which means I will forget little things and big things. I will forget if I have rambled all of this before and probably ramble it somemore. Lucky for me my little Nurse wrote down exact notes dates and times on the outside of all my prescription bottles. Good thinking Tina. That helps alot. I even bought a planner so that I could keep track of everything too. Lucky for me my brain will return after this is all over. (I hope so at least).

Day 3 contd.

Oops! I goofed. So to continue my story. You are hooked up to IV's and they give you the anti-nausea drug. That takes 20 minutes. My Drugs are called Taxsterie, and Cutoxan. I will be getting these every 3 weeks. The Taxterie takes 30 minutes and the Cutoxan takes 1 hour to administer. It wasn't bad at all. Jeff and Jessica played Uno and laughed and I laughed with them. Jessica won all but one hand. They went to get lunch and I listened to an Ipod and went to sleep for a bit. It was all over so quickly and I was pleasantly surprised.

While I was there I started reading a book call "There's no Place Like HOPE". It is a selection of really good quoteds and motivations for each stage of your treatment. By the way, cute little Tina let me keep it. One of my favorite quotes so far is:::
"FEAR DOES NOT DEFEAT CANCER..... EMPOWERED TREATMENT DEFEATS CANCER".
Don't let fear keep you from living your life.

Day 3

Well I did at least get 6 straight hours of sleep. I guess that is better than the 5 from last night. Day 3 and the last day of the dreaded "Red" pill. I kind of like the color but I don't like how it makes me feel. I was thinking I would explain the Infusion room process. That is where they administer the Chemotherapy drugs. I have an awesome nurse there named Tina. It's dones through Utah Cancer up at SL Regional Medical center. I wasn't sure what to expect and was very nervous. Jessica and Jeff went with me to my "First" time. We were all really surprised it was a very relaxed atmosphere. You get to kick back in a comfy recliner and there is a nice little snack area and comfy chairs for the family. They had games, puzzles, Magazines, and even book to read. The whole process was only 2 1/2 hours.

Sleepy

Another sleepless night. 12:08am and not the least bit tired. The Doctor says it's important to get as much sleep as possible but my body isn't cooperating. Hot bath, chocolate milk, nothing is helping tonight. I am going to have to break down and take the Ativan. Something she gave me for night nausea that is supposed to make you drowsy. I wonder what those side effects will be. haha. This has been an interesting 2 days. 11 weeks and 6 days left, I can make it.

Side Effects

I am not so sure the Anti-Nausea Meds are worth the trouble. I get all the great side effects and I still have nausea. I am sticking to the regimen though. This too shall pass and I want to get well. One of the pills gives me some great hot flashes and I totally look like I have been in a tanning bed for hours. Nice color not too red. It doesn't look too bad. I am getting waited on from the Fam so that is very nice. Only slept 3 hours today instead of the 5 hours I slept yesterday. Maybe I can start sleeping at night. haha. Tonight I am having Steak, Noodles, and green beans for dinner. If it ever gets cooked that is. I am told that's what I am having. Not a big Steak person but they say the protein is good for me so that is what I will eat. I am on a High Calorie, High Protein thing right now for the red cells to build up. Not that I can eat more than a few bites at a time. No Zingers, Spicy foods, Crunchy foods, or any empty calories. Which is probably a good thing. I do get to eat as much frozen yogurt or ice cream that I want. That's a good treat.
I might not lose much weight but at least I will get on a health kick. (whom I kidding) I am sure I will throw a Zinger in there somewhere.
I am so Lucky to have such great family and friends that are a huge support system. It makes me feel so much better and everyone has been so caring. Thanks to all.

Soapbox time. I actually had a "Girl" tell me that my Cancer wasn't too bad because it wasn't a "Golf ball" size tumor. Oh O.K. Well FYI, my Oncologist told me Thursday that a 1cm tumor in the Breast has over 1 BILLION cancer Cells in it. My tumor was 1.7 cm and was infiltrated. (which means it is possibly in my bloodstream or moving down to my Ovary. I am glad this "Person" thinks that that is NOT so bad. Any Cancer is bad, any Cancer is life threatening and Any Cancer changes someone's life Forever. It's O.K. to talk about it and I am getting better at that. But don't belittle someones diagnosis. AND it is not "Just Hair" to someone that is losing theirs. It is part of their identity.
O.K. I feel better now.

Page 2

O.K. now that this is started let's get down to the nitty gritty. I have never had to take so much medication in my life (all at once anyway). I have pills for every day, pills for every night, pills for infection, pills for the day of, the day before and the day after every Chemo treatment. I guess it's good. It's getting rid of what I like to call the "Biting Pac-man" in my body. The tumor is removed but the fear is still there.

My treatments have involved visits to the IMC Breast Care Center, Radiation Oncology and Utah Cancer. I have never felt so informed about anything in my Medical history. The Nurses, Doctors, Staff and my Care coordinator are all amazing. I have been treated like an individual not just a person with a disease. Cancer doesn't have to be a "Scary" thing when you have all the information you need. They are so many "new and improved" treatments out there. But the key is to be proactive in your own care. Get tests when you should or any time you feel the need.

I started this Journey in about February. I was getting unexplained pain in my stomach and spiking high fevers randomly that were lasting for days at a time. I went to several different Doctors and had Cat Scans, MRI's and blood tests. They couldn't come up with any explanations. Months later I happened to find my own lump during a shower. I went in the following Friday for a Mammogram and the rest as they is History.

While visiting the Surgeon I asked about all of the unexplained symptoms and she said "Even though there is no Scientific evidence that this occurs" she has heard that from alot of her patients. So NO. 1 rule of thumb KNOW your own body. If you think something is not right go to Dr. after Dr. until you get an answer. Doctors make mistakes and it is not worth your Life.

jannieslife

Here goes. My first attempt at being a computer geek.

As alot of you may or may not know back in July I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It was a huge shock. The official name for my tumor was Infiltrated ductal Carcinoma. It was a very aggressive tumor and it has been a whirlwind and 1/2 dealing with it.
I had my Surgery on August 11th. Lucky for me it was a Lumpectomy with expanded tissue removed and only 2 lymph nodes. Because of the diagnoses and the aggression of the tumor I am plunged into Chemo therapy and Radiation. I had my first consult with the Oncologist at Utah Cancer on Thursday September 9th and found myself in the infusion room the very next day. Pretty Crazy. So I am now 1 day into Chemo. So far I haven't felt too may effects other than the Allergic Reaction to on of the Medications that causes my face to flush. Hey at least I have some color.

I am choosing to "Live" through this and Live Hard. I want to deal with it with humor and a positive attitude. To me there is no other option. I will have side effects some times bad and worse of all I will lose my hair. This seems to be my biggest fear. I don't like attention drawn to the fact that I am "Sick" and this is the most obvious sign of the illness. People look at you and just "Know".  I am trying to get used to the idea but when the day comes I know I will be crushed. However, as a planner I am prepared. I have a wig I have order eyebrow tattoos from the Cancer site and a few really cute scarves. Always the planner that's me. My Mom and I were at the wig store almost the day of my diagnosis.

There's always a light at the end of the Tunnel.

My Family and Friends have been great supporters. Hopefully this will help me feel better and get the updates out to all that are interested.