Dreams

I wanted to write down some of my delirium dreams...... They are kind of funny.

The first time I was actually in one of my treatments and they gave me Benadryl to "Knock me out". I was dreaming that I was at work at the clinic and everyone kept throwing their paperwork at me. I was yelling and throwing back the papers. I kept saying "Can't you see How tired I am? I can't believe you are making me work during my treatments." I guess I was literally trying to throw papers. My Mom had to hold down my arm and kept asking if I was O.K.

#2. My sisters took me for a "hike" up Zion Canyon. While we were up there I got super tired and so they just left me to find my way back. I was walking in circles with Spiders and Scorpions everywhere. I was crying and so angry that they left me there.

#3. this one is awesome.... I fell asleep on the couch and Jeff came home and told me he brought home Trent and Dena (One of his good friends and his wife) for a BBQ. I started to scream at him that we couldn't have Company. I was too tired and we didn't even have food in the house. But he brought them in anyway and they brought their 2 kids with them. then Jeff and Trent went in the backyard and built a fire and left the kids with me to tend. I woke up so angry from that one.

#4. Again sleeping on the couch (I do that alot). Jessica came home and told me that she got "Suspended" from work. I asked her how you get suspended and she said she didn't know but they made her go home. When I asked why she said it was because Brady ( one of her friends from Work) had slept with some girl 5 times. She even held up her hand to accentuate the 5 times. I thought it was so real but I woke up and no one was home.

I have plenty of others but these ones I thought were the best.

Thanksgiving

I hoped beyond hope to feel better for Thanksgiving but it just wasn't meant to be. We had our Family gathering but I only lasted about an hour before I had to go home. This 4th Treatment is kicking my butt and kicking it good. Hopefully that means it's kicking the Cancers butt too. I am at the point where I have absolutely no energy whatsoever. We went to Wal-Mart for the Midnight sale and I literally thought I would have to lay on the floor while we were waiting in line. It was such a disappointment. I love to go out and "fight the crowds" but it wasn't happening this year. Everyone tells me to "know my limits" but I don't want limits. I just want to be well. On Wednesday I had my little polka dot tattoos put on for my Radiation. I didn't like what the Dr. told me at all. He says that the Radiation won't make me sicker but it will delay me getting well. I do NOT want to feel this way for another 6 weeks. Not that I have any choice. I guess it is good that I started my Christmas shopping already. I don't think I am going to be getting out much. Radiation starts next Thursday and is every weekday @ 1:00.
I am feeling like I am really wearing on people. I don't like to complain all the time but I never feel well either so I can't really do anything I am used to doing. If I go out in the cold I can't catch my breath. If I over exert myself at all (even walking up and down the stairs) my heart starts racing and I have to sit down. I can't even do grocery shopping. I can't carry any weight. It is no fun at all. I guess I should be Thankful that I am still here but I am not even sure if this Poison is working. I thought there would be some magic test but I guess not. I just have to "wait and see" and keep getting more tests done for the next 5 years. I am getting a bit discouraged but I am sure I will kick it into gear soon enough. I am a fighter. I want a good Christmas for me and my Family and I am determined to do whatever I have to do to make it happen. Even if I have to sit down every 5 minutes. I will shop, I will decorate, I will bake cookies, I will NOT give in to this mess. Thanks for listening. Peace out.

Oh Joy

So looking Back I wrote about how it "wasn't so bad" on Tuesday. Yeah well that didn't last my friends. Last night the Back Spasms and Chest Pain started. At least this time I wasn't freaked about the Chest pain. The first time I thought I was having a Heart attack.
It honestly feels that way. The pain radiates from my chest all the way down my back. The Doctor checked me out though and it is just one of the side effects. I am supposed to deep breath and try to relax through it. Easier said than done. I am working on it though. I am not liking that my energy level is next to nothing but alas there is nothing I can do about that either right now. I just have to deal with what's here and what's to come. I know that I will get better, I have before. I am really looking forward to being well for Thanksgiving and after that, being well for my Birthday. The BIG 50!. Someone better be planning me one Big party. haha. Who am I kidding? I am such a control freak I am sure that I will plan my own. I am getting some hair back. A little at a time. It is totally blonde. Kinda funny but they say it comes back different so we will see what I end up with.
So between Chemo Brain and Blone Hair...............Do I become a "Dumb Blonde".

Staying on top

Tuesday and I am doing a bit better. Started in on the Loratab last night when the legs and hips started hurting. Started on the Anti-Nausea this morning when the stomache started twirling. The Pills don't get rid of all of it but they sure take the edge off. I actually did some dishes today and mopped the floor. Doesn't sound like much but at least I got off the couch for a minute. My Dad's only living Sibling died last Saturday, Shirlee Dennis. We will be going to her funeral tomorrow. I am hoping if I am not well I can at least fake it for a couple of hours. I have gotten pretty good at making people believe I am fine. My Mother lectured me last night about it but I told her that she wouldn't want the "Gory" details. She says she does. I don't see that it helps alot to give everyone my grief. I have to have it but I don't have to "give" it. I know I know, everyone thinks I should share and then people could "help". Truth be told there is nothing anyone can do to help. Time will heal me and I just have to wait it out. I am soooooo looking forward to Thanksgiving with my Family. That's all I want right now. If I have to be sick everyday until then I will take it. We are having alot of people over to my Mom's and I am very excited. I am hoping for a little Black Friday shopping too. Just a bit of Normalcy in this crazy thing that is my life right now.

Holy Hannah

Nuf said. haha. Well let's see I have basically slept 40 of the last 48 hours. Maybe not quite but it seems that way. I haven't taken any pills today because I am trying to stay awake for a bit. I am thinking it's not going to last. My legs and feet are really starting to hurt and it's only a matter of time before it goes into my back. I will hold out as long as I can. I want to spend some time with my daughter. She just got back from St. George for the weekend. I don't mind sleeping so much when No one is home but I like to feel "part of the living" when everyone is here. Still can't taste much but this time around my appetite is ferocious. I seem to be hungry non-stop. Of course nothing sounds or tastes good so I once again am just filling up the empty cavity that is my belly. Jeff has been so good about going to get me whatever I am in the mood for. Today it was Wendy's. Chicken sandwhich and baked potato. I am supposed to be drinking Gatorade for my Electrolytes but I really can't stand it, so it's been water and Fruit punch. Off for now. Wish me luck.

4th time is the "Kicker"

OMG. Fourth treatment is done but it is kicking my butt. I have already been so sick and I feel like I have been kick by a pack of mules. All I want to do is eat but if I eat I get sick. So tired but I can't sleep. Let's hope it passes as quick as it started. I will keep you posted.

D-Day is Done day.

Today was my last day of Chemo. It was so exciting. I think I was on an Adrenaline rush all day. I had a bunch of family there and we had a great time. I was super excited to Ring the Bell and I even did a "Happy" Dance. My sister got it all on video. Even my Dad came. (He doesn't do well with the Medical stuff). But he got right into it and asked alot of questions. I got a bit of bad News...... I have developed Anemia which is making my Heart work harder and causing some shortness of Breath. The Dr. is confident it will pass soon so I am not too worried. She gave me some breathing excercises to help slow down my heart rate. At least it's not another pill. I will be on the 5 year Hormone regiment too which I am not too excited to do. More side effects? Possibly. 5 yrs worth I hope not. But you do what you gotta do.

Bottled up Emotions.

I am having so many mixed emotions this morning. AAGGGHHH!. I am Excited, Nervous, Anxious, Scared, Happy and of course sleep deprived. Darn Steroids mixed with nerves equal no sleep. So today is the Last day of Chemo (Hopefully Forever). Every time I go in for a treatment I worry that there will be some reason that they can't give it to me or that they will say "Oh sorry, not the last one today". I have a huge support group going today. I hope we don't freak anyone out. I have 3 sisters, Mom, Jessica, my niece Jamie and her Hubby Josh (aka Military). They all want to be there when I get to ring the final bell. It honestly seems like it has gone by so fast. Hard to believe it's been 4 months. Of course I still have 6 weeks of Radiation and tests after that but I am not getting ahead of myself. I will have a couple of weeks to recover from this dose before the Radiation Starts. (December 1st) and I don't think anything they can do can be worse than what I have gone through so far. It seems odd to me even now that I have Cancer. I don't know why, I guess because of all the movies I have seen they exaggerate how horrible people look. Some do I am sure but I don't seem to look sick at all. At least in Public. I do let myself go the first few days but then it's "Make up and Hair" time. I want to look the best I can when I face the World. FYI I have decided to do a sort of "Bucket List". My first item was to trespass and walk on a working railroad track. Well, it wasn't on my list but it started the list. Jessica and I are going to be jumping out of a Plane on her 21st Birthday. Woo Hoo. I am not going to be a fanatic but I am living what I have left with Gusto. No more being afraid of things. I may even go back to College. I have wanted to do it for years. Seems like a good time to start.
Wish me luck. Thanks again for all your thoughts, Prayers and Encouragement. I couldn't have made it without my "Support Group".

Tuesday

Just went to dinner at Iggys with the Fam and Watched the Jazz beat out Miami Heat in Overtime. Life is good today. Feeling pretty good tonight and I am sure I will tomorrow. Other than maybe some nerves. Countdown 2 days. Well technically less than 2 days. My sisters will be up tomorrow. Woo hoo. So excited for that. Jessica is getting off work too so we will have a "Full" house on Thursday. I hope we don't scare anyone away. I can't wait until that last little buzzer goes off on the machine saying "I'm done, the bag is empty". Yeah baby. You don't even know. The I get to Ring the BELL and go out to a huge lunch with all my Fam. I am not even thinking about what's going to hit me in the following week. Hopefully if I take all the medications I can stay on top of the worst of it. Either way 1 week or 2 I can't take whatever comes as long as they don't tell me I have to go through it again. I can't wait for whatever test they give me that says I am "Cancer Free". Another Celebration for sure.

Super Saturday. Countdown begins.

Feeling pretty darn good today. Still having a few small attacks of Anxiety but nothing like the first of the week. A little bit of a cough which I am hoping turns out to be nothing but the weather change. Heading for the Hills today to go riding on my new 4-Wheeler. Not sure if I feel up to it but I have to keep living. Plus there is always nap time. I did make it to Chuck E Cheese yesterday. My 2 nieces and 2 of Austins cousins were there. It was super fun. Then Austin and I went to watch Jessica bowl. She is on a Friday league with Jeff and people from her work. Boy I tell ya, by the time I got home I was BEAT. But I sure slept good. Maybe that is the key. Wear myself out and sleep like a baby. It seems to work right now anyway.
By the way in case anyone isn't counting down every second of every day like I am...... I have 5 days to D Day. Five days???? I can't believe I will be done with this mess. Radiation starts December 1st but I will be done by mid January. Originally it was supposed to be the end of February when I would be done. This way I will (hopefully) be well for my big Gigantic 50th Birthday party that someone had better be planning for me. Heck with that I will be well enough to plan my own party. hahahahahaha.
TTYL Peeps. Off to the Mountains again, Fresh air and Beauty surrounds me there. I feel like a Million bucks, minus some taxes of course.

Finally Friday

I finally got my Heart Rate down to 100 yesterday. I am still having the Hot flashes and still not feeling "quite" right. I have gotten over the idea that I was going to have a Heart attack any minute and die on the floor. Not letting anything stop me today. I am spending the afternoon with my Chicken, my 2 nieces and the cousins. It's going to be great. We are going to Chuck E. Cheese. Between me and Austin both being sick I haven't spent any time with him in at least 4 weeks. I hate that. I miss him so much. He is such a funny little guy. Ashleigh (his Mom) says he is feeling so good today and is full of energy. Good thing we picked Chuckies and good thing I am feeling a bit better.
I am on the final countdown......................6 days to the Poison. But of course it is the last dose of poison (I hope, I hope) for a very long time. Hopefully forever.
I am a bit worried. I know I shouldn't listen to people but it's hard not to. Someone that has been through this said that each time gets worse. I think I believe that because honestly I haven't really had but one good day this time so far. I was so hoping for the Ocean on Thanksgiving but I do not think it is going to happen. I guess I will lower my expectations and just hope I can enjoy a family dinner at home. Maybe even Chuck a Rama so I don't have to cook. NOOOOO!. I swore I would never eat out at a Restaurant on a Holiday. I will figure out a way to make this work.
Off to enjoy at least part of my day. Thanks again for all the Love and Support.
You guys are amazing.

Where have I been

Well let's see............Saturday was good. But Sunday, Monday, Tuesday?? All a different story. Sunday was a Lazy day and back to work on Monday. Monday @ 2:00 I started feeling a bit off. Felt short of breath and weird pain in my chest and back. I went over to one of the nurses and turns out my Oxygen level was only 89 and my Pulse Rate 118. Not good. I called the Nurse ( Tina) and was told it was an odd form of an Anxiety attack. So home I went more pills and lots of rest. Tuesday was a bit better only 2 random attacks that didn't last too long. Back to work today but by 2:00pm back to the high heart rate 105 today. I don't know what it is about 2:00. I guess my body doesn't process stress right now so I get these weird attacks. Oh well, what else? I get something new every time. One week from tomorrow and will be my last Treatment. I am starting to worry that I am going to get even sicker next time. This time I had symptoms and issues that have lasted well into my second week this time. I guess I can only hope it won't be too bad next time. Either way it is my last time. I can take it.