So Far So Good

Let's catch up. Radation is done and it was NOT fun. They literally burn you from the inside out. I have discolored skin on my whole "left" side if you get my drift. They first few times were cake and I assumed that was all it would be. Nope. You get basically an inside out sun burn. My skin peeled off in huge chunks under my arm. I am improving which is a blessing. I was finished on January 14th. They were super cute and gave me a "Certificate" and of course I got to ring another bell. I am going back for my first follow up on February 16th. The day after my Birthday. I am sure it will all be fine. It's kind of weird but I just "Feel" that I will be O.K.
Last weekend I took a much needed break and went down to St. George for a few days. Super fun. I haven't been down since about August. They weather was superb and I felt great the whole time. I am still having some issues with my muscles in my legs and hip problems but they seem to be getting better slowly. I lost all the weight from the Chemo which I am very excited about. I am doing a "Biggest Loser" at work and hoping to win some money when I lose about 25 lbs. We are planning a super fun 21 Birthday in Vegas for Jessica so it would be fun to be "Cute" and Wealthy. hahahahaha
Still debating on the "Re-Construction". Don't know if I really need it or just "Want" it. I guess the biggest thing is the recovery period. It just seems like I am just getting "Well" and then I have to start all over. I guess I will make an appt with the Surgeon and just see what he suggests. I like that they take the Belly fat and "Move it up" rather than use Silicone or any other "Fake" stuff. Plus I get a tummy tuck out of the bargain. Yay me.
My Hair is growing back and my eyelashes are back in, that's a big plus. Only bad thing is the leg and underarm hair came back too. Back to shaving I guess. Well at least on the right side. I guess from now on I shouldn't get any hair in my left "Pit" and no sweat either. Coolness. Planning my new tattoo in May. I am doing the Breast Cancer Butterfly on my ankle with pink ribbons on my feet. I think it will look amazing.
Well, that's it for now. Peace out kidlets.

Long Road

I have been a bit lax with not much to say but the same ole thing. Well I started my Radiation therapy on Thursday. It's a bit weird. You don't feel anything. It's like laying on a bed and getting an X-Ray. So far I haven't felt any different. Small twingy pains but they don't last. I hope that is a good sign. I have what my Dr. is calling Lithargia. Basically that means that my muscles have no strength whatsoever. My body works so hard just to do anything. I feel like I am getting a bit better but then when I went to the Radiation Oncologist he said that the Radiation will end up "Prolonging" how I feel now. I guess I won't be surprised if I don't get better before February. They gave me a few stretching exercises I can do to help with the Muscle weakness. It does seem to help but I still get tired really easily. I am going to do my best to enjoy my Christmas. I have 20 days so even if I have to do a little each day I will get it done. Most of the shopping is done and Adam and Austin are going to help with the Tree. It will all work out. I am getting a bit of "Peach fuzz" hair. It's kind of funny. I have a few long curly hairs around the sides of my face. Very odd. Too bad the top of my scalp doesn't grow like that. Still not Leg hairs (I am fine with that). One positive not of the Radiation, I won't have any underarm hair. It kills them off and they usually don't grow back. I guess I am going to save tons on Razors and Shampoo in the next few months. hahahaha.

Dreams

I wanted to write down some of my delirium dreams...... They are kind of funny.

The first time I was actually in one of my treatments and they gave me Benadryl to "Knock me out". I was dreaming that I was at work at the clinic and everyone kept throwing their paperwork at me. I was yelling and throwing back the papers. I kept saying "Can't you see How tired I am? I can't believe you are making me work during my treatments." I guess I was literally trying to throw papers. My Mom had to hold down my arm and kept asking if I was O.K.

#2. My sisters took me for a "hike" up Zion Canyon. While we were up there I got super tired and so they just left me to find my way back. I was walking in circles with Spiders and Scorpions everywhere. I was crying and so angry that they left me there.

#3. this one is awesome.... I fell asleep on the couch and Jeff came home and told me he brought home Trent and Dena (One of his good friends and his wife) for a BBQ. I started to scream at him that we couldn't have Company. I was too tired and we didn't even have food in the house. But he brought them in anyway and they brought their 2 kids with them. then Jeff and Trent went in the backyard and built a fire and left the kids with me to tend. I woke up so angry from that one.

#4. Again sleeping on the couch (I do that alot). Jessica came home and told me that she got "Suspended" from work. I asked her how you get suspended and she said she didn't know but they made her go home. When I asked why she said it was because Brady ( one of her friends from Work) had slept with some girl 5 times. She even held up her hand to accentuate the 5 times. I thought it was so real but I woke up and no one was home.

I have plenty of others but these ones I thought were the best.

Thanksgiving

I hoped beyond hope to feel better for Thanksgiving but it just wasn't meant to be. We had our Family gathering but I only lasted about an hour before I had to go home. This 4th Treatment is kicking my butt and kicking it good. Hopefully that means it's kicking the Cancers butt too. I am at the point where I have absolutely no energy whatsoever. We went to Wal-Mart for the Midnight sale and I literally thought I would have to lay on the floor while we were waiting in line. It was such a disappointment. I love to go out and "fight the crowds" but it wasn't happening this year. Everyone tells me to "know my limits" but I don't want limits. I just want to be well. On Wednesday I had my little polka dot tattoos put on for my Radiation. I didn't like what the Dr. told me at all. He says that the Radiation won't make me sicker but it will delay me getting well. I do NOT want to feel this way for another 6 weeks. Not that I have any choice. I guess it is good that I started my Christmas shopping already. I don't think I am going to be getting out much. Radiation starts next Thursday and is every weekday @ 1:00.
I am feeling like I am really wearing on people. I don't like to complain all the time but I never feel well either so I can't really do anything I am used to doing. If I go out in the cold I can't catch my breath. If I over exert myself at all (even walking up and down the stairs) my heart starts racing and I have to sit down. I can't even do grocery shopping. I can't carry any weight. It is no fun at all. I guess I should be Thankful that I am still here but I am not even sure if this Poison is working. I thought there would be some magic test but I guess not. I just have to "wait and see" and keep getting more tests done for the next 5 years. I am getting a bit discouraged but I am sure I will kick it into gear soon enough. I am a fighter. I want a good Christmas for me and my Family and I am determined to do whatever I have to do to make it happen. Even if I have to sit down every 5 minutes. I will shop, I will decorate, I will bake cookies, I will NOT give in to this mess. Thanks for listening. Peace out.

Oh Joy

So looking Back I wrote about how it "wasn't so bad" on Tuesday. Yeah well that didn't last my friends. Last night the Back Spasms and Chest Pain started. At least this time I wasn't freaked about the Chest pain. The first time I thought I was having a Heart attack.
It honestly feels that way. The pain radiates from my chest all the way down my back. The Doctor checked me out though and it is just one of the side effects. I am supposed to deep breath and try to relax through it. Easier said than done. I am working on it though. I am not liking that my energy level is next to nothing but alas there is nothing I can do about that either right now. I just have to deal with what's here and what's to come. I know that I will get better, I have before. I am really looking forward to being well for Thanksgiving and after that, being well for my Birthday. The BIG 50!. Someone better be planning me one Big party. haha. Who am I kidding? I am such a control freak I am sure that I will plan my own. I am getting some hair back. A little at a time. It is totally blonde. Kinda funny but they say it comes back different so we will see what I end up with.
So between Chemo Brain and Blone Hair...............Do I become a "Dumb Blonde".

Staying on top

Tuesday and I am doing a bit better. Started in on the Loratab last night when the legs and hips started hurting. Started on the Anti-Nausea this morning when the stomache started twirling. The Pills don't get rid of all of it but they sure take the edge off. I actually did some dishes today and mopped the floor. Doesn't sound like much but at least I got off the couch for a minute. My Dad's only living Sibling died last Saturday, Shirlee Dennis. We will be going to her funeral tomorrow. I am hoping if I am not well I can at least fake it for a couple of hours. I have gotten pretty good at making people believe I am fine. My Mother lectured me last night about it but I told her that she wouldn't want the "Gory" details. She says she does. I don't see that it helps alot to give everyone my grief. I have to have it but I don't have to "give" it. I know I know, everyone thinks I should share and then people could "help". Truth be told there is nothing anyone can do to help. Time will heal me and I just have to wait it out. I am soooooo looking forward to Thanksgiving with my Family. That's all I want right now. If I have to be sick everyday until then I will take it. We are having alot of people over to my Mom's and I am very excited. I am hoping for a little Black Friday shopping too. Just a bit of Normalcy in this crazy thing that is my life right now.

Holy Hannah

Nuf said. haha. Well let's see I have basically slept 40 of the last 48 hours. Maybe not quite but it seems that way. I haven't taken any pills today because I am trying to stay awake for a bit. I am thinking it's not going to last. My legs and feet are really starting to hurt and it's only a matter of time before it goes into my back. I will hold out as long as I can. I want to spend some time with my daughter. She just got back from St. George for the weekend. I don't mind sleeping so much when No one is home but I like to feel "part of the living" when everyone is here. Still can't taste much but this time around my appetite is ferocious. I seem to be hungry non-stop. Of course nothing sounds or tastes good so I once again am just filling up the empty cavity that is my belly. Jeff has been so good about going to get me whatever I am in the mood for. Today it was Wendy's. Chicken sandwhich and baked potato. I am supposed to be drinking Gatorade for my Electrolytes but I really can't stand it, so it's been water and Fruit punch. Off for now. Wish me luck.

4th time is the "Kicker"

OMG. Fourth treatment is done but it is kicking my butt. I have already been so sick and I feel like I have been kick by a pack of mules. All I want to do is eat but if I eat I get sick. So tired but I can't sleep. Let's hope it passes as quick as it started. I will keep you posted.

D-Day is Done day.

Today was my last day of Chemo. It was so exciting. I think I was on an Adrenaline rush all day. I had a bunch of family there and we had a great time. I was super excited to Ring the Bell and I even did a "Happy" Dance. My sister got it all on video. Even my Dad came. (He doesn't do well with the Medical stuff). But he got right into it and asked alot of questions. I got a bit of bad News...... I have developed Anemia which is making my Heart work harder and causing some shortness of Breath. The Dr. is confident it will pass soon so I am not too worried. She gave me some breathing excercises to help slow down my heart rate. At least it's not another pill. I will be on the 5 year Hormone regiment too which I am not too excited to do. More side effects? Possibly. 5 yrs worth I hope not. But you do what you gotta do.

Bottled up Emotions.

I am having so many mixed emotions this morning. AAGGGHHH!. I am Excited, Nervous, Anxious, Scared, Happy and of course sleep deprived. Darn Steroids mixed with nerves equal no sleep. So today is the Last day of Chemo (Hopefully Forever). Every time I go in for a treatment I worry that there will be some reason that they can't give it to me or that they will say "Oh sorry, not the last one today". I have a huge support group going today. I hope we don't freak anyone out. I have 3 sisters, Mom, Jessica, my niece Jamie and her Hubby Josh (aka Military). They all want to be there when I get to ring the final bell. It honestly seems like it has gone by so fast. Hard to believe it's been 4 months. Of course I still have 6 weeks of Radiation and tests after that but I am not getting ahead of myself. I will have a couple of weeks to recover from this dose before the Radiation Starts. (December 1st) and I don't think anything they can do can be worse than what I have gone through so far. It seems odd to me even now that I have Cancer. I don't know why, I guess because of all the movies I have seen they exaggerate how horrible people look. Some do I am sure but I don't seem to look sick at all. At least in Public. I do let myself go the first few days but then it's "Make up and Hair" time. I want to look the best I can when I face the World. FYI I have decided to do a sort of "Bucket List". My first item was to trespass and walk on a working railroad track. Well, it wasn't on my list but it started the list. Jessica and I are going to be jumping out of a Plane on her 21st Birthday. Woo Hoo. I am not going to be a fanatic but I am living what I have left with Gusto. No more being afraid of things. I may even go back to College. I have wanted to do it for years. Seems like a good time to start.
Wish me luck. Thanks again for all your thoughts, Prayers and Encouragement. I couldn't have made it without my "Support Group".

Tuesday

Just went to dinner at Iggys with the Fam and Watched the Jazz beat out Miami Heat in Overtime. Life is good today. Feeling pretty good tonight and I am sure I will tomorrow. Other than maybe some nerves. Countdown 2 days. Well technically less than 2 days. My sisters will be up tomorrow. Woo hoo. So excited for that. Jessica is getting off work too so we will have a "Full" house on Thursday. I hope we don't scare anyone away. I can't wait until that last little buzzer goes off on the machine saying "I'm done, the bag is empty". Yeah baby. You don't even know. The I get to Ring the BELL and go out to a huge lunch with all my Fam. I am not even thinking about what's going to hit me in the following week. Hopefully if I take all the medications I can stay on top of the worst of it. Either way 1 week or 2 I can't take whatever comes as long as they don't tell me I have to go through it again. I can't wait for whatever test they give me that says I am "Cancer Free". Another Celebration for sure.

Super Saturday. Countdown begins.

Feeling pretty darn good today. Still having a few small attacks of Anxiety but nothing like the first of the week. A little bit of a cough which I am hoping turns out to be nothing but the weather change. Heading for the Hills today to go riding on my new 4-Wheeler. Not sure if I feel up to it but I have to keep living. Plus there is always nap time. I did make it to Chuck E Cheese yesterday. My 2 nieces and 2 of Austins cousins were there. It was super fun. Then Austin and I went to watch Jessica bowl. She is on a Friday league with Jeff and people from her work. Boy I tell ya, by the time I got home I was BEAT. But I sure slept good. Maybe that is the key. Wear myself out and sleep like a baby. It seems to work right now anyway.
By the way in case anyone isn't counting down every second of every day like I am...... I have 5 days to D Day. Five days???? I can't believe I will be done with this mess. Radiation starts December 1st but I will be done by mid January. Originally it was supposed to be the end of February when I would be done. This way I will (hopefully) be well for my big Gigantic 50th Birthday party that someone had better be planning for me. Heck with that I will be well enough to plan my own party. hahahahahaha.
TTYL Peeps. Off to the Mountains again, Fresh air and Beauty surrounds me there. I feel like a Million bucks, minus some taxes of course.

Finally Friday

I finally got my Heart Rate down to 100 yesterday. I am still having the Hot flashes and still not feeling "quite" right. I have gotten over the idea that I was going to have a Heart attack any minute and die on the floor. Not letting anything stop me today. I am spending the afternoon with my Chicken, my 2 nieces and the cousins. It's going to be great. We are going to Chuck E. Cheese. Between me and Austin both being sick I haven't spent any time with him in at least 4 weeks. I hate that. I miss him so much. He is such a funny little guy. Ashleigh (his Mom) says he is feeling so good today and is full of energy. Good thing we picked Chuckies and good thing I am feeling a bit better.
I am on the final countdown......................6 days to the Poison. But of course it is the last dose of poison (I hope, I hope) for a very long time. Hopefully forever.
I am a bit worried. I know I shouldn't listen to people but it's hard not to. Someone that has been through this said that each time gets worse. I think I believe that because honestly I haven't really had but one good day this time so far. I was so hoping for the Ocean on Thanksgiving but I do not think it is going to happen. I guess I will lower my expectations and just hope I can enjoy a family dinner at home. Maybe even Chuck a Rama so I don't have to cook. NOOOOO!. I swore I would never eat out at a Restaurant on a Holiday. I will figure out a way to make this work.
Off to enjoy at least part of my day. Thanks again for all the Love and Support.
You guys are amazing.

Where have I been

Well let's see............Saturday was good. But Sunday, Monday, Tuesday?? All a different story. Sunday was a Lazy day and back to work on Monday. Monday @ 2:00 I started feeling a bit off. Felt short of breath and weird pain in my chest and back. I went over to one of the nurses and turns out my Oxygen level was only 89 and my Pulse Rate 118. Not good. I called the Nurse ( Tina) and was told it was an odd form of an Anxiety attack. So home I went more pills and lots of rest. Tuesday was a bit better only 2 random attacks that didn't last too long. Back to work today but by 2:00pm back to the high heart rate 105 today. I don't know what it is about 2:00. I guess my body doesn't process stress right now so I get these weird attacks. Oh well, what else? I get something new every time. One week from tomorrow and will be my last Treatment. I am starting to worry that I am going to get even sicker next time. This time I had symptoms and issues that have lasted well into my second week this time. I guess I can only hope it won't be too bad next time. Either way it is my last time. I can take it.

Happy Days

Happy Days are here again. haha. I went to bed last night @ 9pm and didn't wake up once until 6 this morning. I feel so good. These are the days I remember so well. These are the reasons I suck it up on the bad days. I forgot to tell a cute story from Yesterday. I had one of my cutest patients come in yesterday. His name is Merrill Fisher. He had a stroke and has alot of memory, speech and movement issues. He and his wife are one of the nicest couples I have ever met. So anyway, I was telling them a story about Cancer Support Groups. I told them I wouldn't go to one but I would "Run" one. Well I was pretty much serious but Merrill cracked up laughing. He couldn't stop. His wife said he hadn't laughed that hard since he had the stroke. All he could say was "Yes you would run it". Then I started laughing too. Even the patients know I am a control freak. The point to that story is making other people happy even at my expense is worth everything to me. Linda (his wife) said I probably touch so many peoples lives and they use me an example to their friends and family. That has to make a person feel good right?!. If I have to battle this ugly Monster at least I know I am touching people along the way. Gone are the days when I was going to just suffer in silence. I am not looking for Sympathy by any means by telling my story ( unless of course the sympathy involves Chocolate ) I have just found something I can do to make a "huge" difference in this World and I am running with it.

Thursday early am

2am and I am watching Hoarders "Buried Alive". I thought I could stay calm and keep the back spasms to a minimum but they had other plans. So I am wide awake. Which surprises me because and hour ago I took Loratab and a Ibuprofen 800. It is starting to take effect I just hope that sleep will soon follow. I did manage to get an hour in after the Hot bath. Let's hope there is more sleep in the future tonight. Otherwise I am right back on the Roller Coaster of sleeping all day and back up all night. Oh well if that's what it takes then I guess I will sleep when I can. I am not even sure my Body knows what is normal any more. Normal for me right now is just go with the Flow.
My Son asked me the other day if we could "Plan" what we are doing for Thanksgiving. At this point I don't even plan the day. Just when I thought I would be able to go to Wal-Mart today by body had other plans and I was living in the bathroom for a couple of hours. No planning for me. Thanksgiving will be exactly 2 weeks from my last treatment. Ordinarily I would start to feel better by then but each session has been different to the point where I have no idea when anything is coming. Especially the dreaded taste buds. As it is I don't taste much until 3 weeks out. We will just have to see.
Peace out friends I am going to try for some sleep. Wish me luck.

Wednesday PM

Just when I thought I made it. Yep. NOT. Tonight is the Hot flashes, Back Spasms and all around crappy feelings. Hot Bath here I come. I swear if I could live in the Tub I think I would. Maybe a good plan that I don't have a Giant Garden Jetted Tub. We wouldn't be able to afford the water bills. I was going to try to go to work tomorrow but if this is starting this late I am sure I don't want to be at work if it hits me harder. I am hoping (as always) if I start on the pills right now it won't get any worse. All I can hope for is a full nights sleep. I have already been laying on Ice packs for hours. Now on to the Heat. It's nice to know what's coming so that I know what to do before it's "too Late". Been there done that. No fun.
Hopefully I will be up to Trick or Treating with my little buddy. I look forward to any sense of normalcy I can get. Of course today I just found out he has been sick. Sad to say but if he has anything I can't even have him come over. I am feeling a bit isolated without seeing any of the Nephews, Neices  or even my Grandson but I have one last treatment left and I can't afford to be exposed to any germs. Last time my buddy came over his little brother had a Cold and it didn't take long for me to catch it. Even though they had no symptoms at the time. It brought me blood levels up to 14.9. Not sure exactly what all that means but if they are too high or too low I can't get treated. No Thanks. I will sacrifice and stay indoors. I do NOT want this to last any longer than is absolutely necessary.

Wednesday Oct. 27th

Way too early and I didn't want to get up. Finally getting a "Whole" nights sleep and my Dogs decided they want to go out. Don't they know how hard it is for me to sleep? Guess not. It was nice I must say to sleep for 7 hours though. I decided not to take my Nausea pill in the afternoon yesterday. They make me sleep and then I am up most of the night. Either that or I am "sleeping" with delerium dreams. Which is probably worse. Tuesday night I was convinced I couldn't breathe and kept going to Drs to get on Oxygen. Oh let's clarify. That was all in my dream. I couldn't breath out of my nose and for some reason I couldn't open my mouth to get extra air. When I went to the Dr. they checked my levels and of course said I was breathing just fine. Weird dreams. Gotta love them Medically induced Comas.
I am getting a bit excited and hoping for the best for Friday. I want to go to work on Halloween. I love Halloween and it's so fun to see everyones Costumes. Today I am feeling like I will make it. Let's hope I don't get blind sided by anything. I am going to be "Kind of" Cleopatra. I don't know how good it will turn out but it looks really good in my brain. I am also hoping to Trick or Treat with Austin. I need Need NEED a little bit of normalcy in my life right now. As long as I don't Over do I should be O.K.

Monday Oct. 25th

I officially have a Love/Hate relationship with the Anti-nausea medication. It helps the belly but it seriously knocks me out. I sleep 4 hours at a time when I take them and I am supposed to take them every 6 hours. It's a bit crazy. I feel like I have no life right at the moment. I haven't decorated anything for Halloween and don't even seem to care. Which is unusual for me since I absolutely LOVE Halloween. Here's hoping I will at least be well enough to take Austin Trick or Treating. Today is kind of an emotional day. I feel like total crap, I am sick of it, and I want it to be done. Yes I know this will pass but it takes too long. Today is one of those days that someone is supposed to remind me that there will be good days coming soon. I can NOT wait for my #4 treatment. Of course I still have to deal with all the Crap but at least I will know it's the END. Woo Hoo.

Sunday Sunday

Gloomy Day outside matches the gloom in my brain. Trying to stay positive but I am driving myself crazy what's coming next. One bad thing about being through all of this before. You know!!! something else is coming. So far so good staying on top of the Nausea. Taking the little happy pills seems to help. My feet are already starting to hurt on the bottoms so I will be popping the Loratabs soon. Have to catch the pain before it goes to my hips and my back. I guess Knowledge is power. At least now I know what may be coming and what I can do to "help" it. Will it get rid of everything NO but it will help. And as I always say........This too shall pass. One more treatment, I can soo do this.